Something else happened in the last few months

I'm not sure exactly when, I'm not sure exactly how, but somewhere over the last two or three months I became a confident, loving mother.

Not that I didn't love my baby from the day he was born, but reading back on a few posts from difficult times (especially this one) instantly brought me back to the debilitating fear and consummate guilt that my lack of confidence in myself as a mother clobbered upon me.

I know I loved my baby the day he was born, and I know I loved him during the first couple (few?) really hard months. But no, I did not feel an instant or compelling deeper-than-anything-I've-ever-felt-before kind of love. Not for a while. Hence, the fear and guilt that slithered in next to unappreciated sleep deprivation to produce a daily outlook of crippling insecurity.

But it's there now. My ineffable love for my son now crashes down on me every day, in waves and with a force I never believed possible. My heart actually aches with love and my breath is caught in my throat when I look into his eyes, see his smile, hear his giggle.

I'm beyond relieved, but I'm also suddenly a stranger to myself. This is the same woman who probably would have been perfectly happy for years (forever?) without a baby, had Brian not pushed the issue and set the timeframe. The same woman who never wanted to hold babies, who found children and babies a nuisance. The same woman who, even when her friends had babies, still didn't ooh and aah over toys and clothes and coos and milestones. And the woman who always doubted her own ability to love a child adequately, the way a child surely deserves to be loved.

While I'm still not too keen on holding others' babies, I now find myself staring at babies and children whenever they are around to be seen, a hazy smile plastered across my face in observation. I fall apart everytime I see the Pampers' Silent Night commercial. And I can't imagine any course for my life other than to raise my son the best I can, always striving to learn more, do better and demonstrate my love and commitment more acutely.

But such great love carries with it a new and haunting fear that festers quietly in my soul, only breaking through to the surface and demanding acknowledgment when another family's tragedy sparks "what if" thoughts and cultivates the fear. But this is a commentary on the surprising power of profound love, so I'll squash that anxiety back down, while I celebrate loving my son.

Not only am I now a confident, loving mother -- increasingly comfortable in the role I'll grow into over the rest of my lifetime -- more importantly, I'm a mother confident in her love for her child. An overwhelming, impossible love, the likes of which I hope beyond hope he gets to experience himself some day.

Five Months Old

The past month has been a real pleasure. At some point between months four and five, Cayden just seems to have gotten so much easier and more fun.

It doesn't hurt that he started sleeping much longer stretches at night somewhere in that timeframe.

But the screeches of joy (he discovered his squealing voice in the last week), wide-eyed amazement at new sights, grabby little hands, crazy tummy wiggles and excited bicycle legs are so much fun to experience and encourage. He can now entertain himself for extended periods of time, and he's putting together cause-and-effect things like banging on a toy to make it light up and play music.

As challenging as some points in our breastfeeding experience were, we seem to have hit our stride. Baby is obviously getting all that he needs, and Mama has learned to chill out a little and not get bent out of shape over a single day of lower-than-usual pump output. All the concerns over supply seem to be insignificant now, as we are freezing new baggies for the back-up stash about as fast as we are cycling through the oldest frozen milk, so as not to waste any. Pumping at work is still kind of a pain in the butt, but nursing has become a natural, very enjoyable experience for both of us.

Cayden has been eating 1 - 2 tablespoons of solid food one time a day for a little over three weeks now (OK, two solid food meals on Christmas day). But it remains absolutely mind-boggling (and one of the most personally rewarding experiences of my life) that my body -- and nothing else -- nourished and grew him for more than 13 months and continues to be his primary source of sustenance. Nature is an amazing, amazing thing, and it is truly a blessing to experience this real-life miracle every day.

Baby's First Christmas

What a fantastic long weekend with Cayden.

He was a near-perfect baby during the children's Christmas Eve service. He was very tired though, so eventually I gave him a little snack to help him calm down his minor bruitzing. Which really freaked Brian out, since I didn't pack a hooter hider. But one of Cayden's blankets worked perfectly to cover everything discretely, and Mama just sang along to the hymns seated, while everyone else stood with their candles. It was a really special moment for me, actually. Nursing my love in church on Christmas Eve while singing to him by candlelight. And boy oh boy did my boys look handsome.

Went for dinner and presents to Grandma and Grandpa's house, and baby will surely love his activity table. He was a little too tired for it on Christmas Eve, but the sounds, lights and colors will entertain him in the coming weeks and months.

And while Mama will appreciate the baby food cookbook and Beaba cooker more than Cayden will, he'll certainly enjoy the fruits (but first veggies) of the machine's labor. :) (Thanks for the suggestion, Molly -- we can't wait to spend a weekend steaming and pureeing baby food!)

Christmas morning was spent at Grammy and Grand-dude's house, and Cayden much preferred eating bows to actually playing with his new toys. But he's starting to get a kick out of his new jumperoo, and we know he'll love having his own train set next Christmas season. Mama was particularly thankful for the new bedtime stories; now our collection is big enough that I shoudln't get too sick of reading any stories too often.

Christmas dinner for baby included homemade sweet potatoes, his first non-cereal food, for the first time. He wasn't so sure about the first bite (what an adorable look of confusion when he realized this stuff wasn't rice cereal or oatmeal), but he decided he likes sweet potatoes and ate all 2 TBSP. mixed with milk.

Then a little naked baby for desert. What a hoot.

And then we hit the road to East Hanover, to spend the evening with the Fasnacht crew. It never ceases to entertain me how all our family members continue to proclaim how advanced and intelligent their grandson, great-grandson, cousin and nephew Cayden is. What a proud, doting, loving family -- although probably a little biased and presumptuous. In any case, Cayden waved bye-bye to everyone at bedtime, whether he did it knowingly or coincidentally.

And Mama and Daddy got to spend some relaxing one-one-one time the day after Christmas, getting massages and enjoying a romantic dinner.

A great holiday, all around.

Catching Up: Almost 5 Months Old

FYI, we worked the plugged duct out in a little over a day -- whew.

As for Cayden, he's now sitting with little support (seems to have come out of the blue -- I swear the last time I propped him up on his butt he tipped right over), and he's trying his darndest to figure out how to make his pieces work together to move around. We think he'll be crawling pretty soon.

We're back to pooping every three days or so, and last night Shorty set another new sleep record -- 10 hours straight, without Brian or I having to get up a single time to help him back to sleep.

And I discovered a FANTASTIC trick yesterday for pumping at work -- the hair tie trick! Amazing how four rubber bands can completely change the course of a day for me. I can now pump hands-free! Really great, because my left hand has started aching from horn-holding, and now my right hand doesn't have to peck away at the keyboard alone anymore. Pumping sessions suddenly got so much more productive. I'm sure I'd look ridiculous to anyone who happened upon me pumping hands-free, but I doubt anyone will have opportunity to take in such a sight.

Off to go get ready for Christmas Eve service -- sooo excited for Cayden's first Christmas, even though I know he'll be more interested in eating the wrapping paper than anything else.

Merry Christmas!

I love me some lolcats

I hate baby clothes

Less than two months ago I spent $70 on baby clothes I thought would last through much of the winter.

I was wrong.

I now need to go back out and buy 12-18 month clothes, because Cayden's torso is stretching his onesies and sleepers to the max.

The pants are another story. His 9-12 mo. pants are plenty long enough, but they're tight around the middle. So now I have to try find pants with really stretchy waistbands, but with legs that aren't too, too long. Any suggestions?

I can't remember the last time I spent $70 on clothes for myself, let alone twice in a single season.

Cayden is four months, three-and-a-half weeks old.

Plugged Duct

Uggh, I'm pretty sure I have one. Right side, right at the line where the nursing bra sits, under my boob.

Cayden is a little over four and a half months old.

So today will be spent massaging the sore spot, nursing frequently, applying warm compresses and resting. All in an effort to work the plug free before infection and mastitis have a chance to come out and play.

Meanwhile, Brian will keep working on the wall, so we can (hopefully) at least put our living room back in order before the work week starts.