Something else happened in the last few months

I'm not sure exactly when, I'm not sure exactly how, but somewhere over the last two or three months I became a confident, loving mother.

Not that I didn't love my baby from the day he was born, but reading back on a few posts from difficult times (especially this one) instantly brought me back to the debilitating fear and consummate guilt that my lack of confidence in myself as a mother clobbered upon me.

I know I loved my baby the day he was born, and I know I loved him during the first couple (few?) really hard months. But no, I did not feel an instant or compelling deeper-than-anything-I've-ever-felt-before kind of love. Not for a while. Hence, the fear and guilt that slithered in next to unappreciated sleep deprivation to produce a daily outlook of crippling insecurity.

But it's there now. My ineffable love for my son now crashes down on me every day, in waves and with a force I never believed possible. My heart actually aches with love and my breath is caught in my throat when I look into his eyes, see his smile, hear his giggle.

I'm beyond relieved, but I'm also suddenly a stranger to myself. This is the same woman who probably would have been perfectly happy for years (forever?) without a baby, had Brian not pushed the issue and set the timeframe. The same woman who never wanted to hold babies, who found children and babies a nuisance. The same woman who, even when her friends had babies, still didn't ooh and aah over toys and clothes and coos and milestones. And the woman who always doubted her own ability to love a child adequately, the way a child surely deserves to be loved.

While I'm still not too keen on holding others' babies, I now find myself staring at babies and children whenever they are around to be seen, a hazy smile plastered across my face in observation. I fall apart everytime I see the Pampers' Silent Night commercial. And I can't imagine any course for my life other than to raise my son the best I can, always striving to learn more, do better and demonstrate my love and commitment more acutely.

But such great love carries with it a new and haunting fear that festers quietly in my soul, only breaking through to the surface and demanding acknowledgment when another family's tragedy sparks "what if" thoughts and cultivates the fear. But this is a commentary on the surprising power of profound love, so I'll squash that anxiety back down, while I celebrate loving my son.

Not only am I now a confident, loving mother -- increasingly comfortable in the role I'll grow into over the rest of my lifetime -- more importantly, I'm a mother confident in her love for her child. An overwhelming, impossible love, the likes of which I hope beyond hope he gets to experience himself some day.

Five Months Old

The past month has been a real pleasure. At some point between months four and five, Cayden just seems to have gotten so much easier and more fun.

It doesn't hurt that he started sleeping much longer stretches at night somewhere in that timeframe.

But the screeches of joy (he discovered his squealing voice in the last week), wide-eyed amazement at new sights, grabby little hands, crazy tummy wiggles and excited bicycle legs are so much fun to experience and encourage. He can now entertain himself for extended periods of time, and he's putting together cause-and-effect things like banging on a toy to make it light up and play music.

As challenging as some points in our breastfeeding experience were, we seem to have hit our stride. Baby is obviously getting all that he needs, and Mama has learned to chill out a little and not get bent out of shape over a single day of lower-than-usual pump output. All the concerns over supply seem to be insignificant now, as we are freezing new baggies for the back-up stash about as fast as we are cycling through the oldest frozen milk, so as not to waste any. Pumping at work is still kind of a pain in the butt, but nursing has become a natural, very enjoyable experience for both of us.

Cayden has been eating 1 - 2 tablespoons of solid food one time a day for a little over three weeks now (OK, two solid food meals on Christmas day). But it remains absolutely mind-boggling (and one of the most personally rewarding experiences of my life) that my body -- and nothing else -- nourished and grew him for more than 13 months and continues to be his primary source of sustenance. Nature is an amazing, amazing thing, and it is truly a blessing to experience this real-life miracle every day.

Baby's First Christmas

What a fantastic long weekend with Cayden.

He was a near-perfect baby during the children's Christmas Eve service. He was very tired though, so eventually I gave him a little snack to help him calm down his minor bruitzing. Which really freaked Brian out, since I didn't pack a hooter hider. But one of Cayden's blankets worked perfectly to cover everything discretely, and Mama just sang along to the hymns seated, while everyone else stood with their candles. It was a really special moment for me, actually. Nursing my love in church on Christmas Eve while singing to him by candlelight. And boy oh boy did my boys look handsome.

Went for dinner and presents to Grandma and Grandpa's house, and baby will surely love his activity table. He was a little too tired for it on Christmas Eve, but the sounds, lights and colors will entertain him in the coming weeks and months.

And while Mama will appreciate the baby food cookbook and Beaba cooker more than Cayden will, he'll certainly enjoy the fruits (but first veggies) of the machine's labor. :) (Thanks for the suggestion, Molly -- we can't wait to spend a weekend steaming and pureeing baby food!)

Christmas morning was spent at Grammy and Grand-dude's house, and Cayden much preferred eating bows to actually playing with his new toys. But he's starting to get a kick out of his new jumperoo, and we know he'll love having his own train set next Christmas season. Mama was particularly thankful for the new bedtime stories; now our collection is big enough that I shoudln't get too sick of reading any stories too often.

Christmas dinner for baby included homemade sweet potatoes, his first non-cereal food, for the first time. He wasn't so sure about the first bite (what an adorable look of confusion when he realized this stuff wasn't rice cereal or oatmeal), but he decided he likes sweet potatoes and ate all 2 TBSP. mixed with milk.

Then a little naked baby for desert. What a hoot.

And then we hit the road to East Hanover, to spend the evening with the Fasnacht crew. It never ceases to entertain me how all our family members continue to proclaim how advanced and intelligent their grandson, great-grandson, cousin and nephew Cayden is. What a proud, doting, loving family -- although probably a little biased and presumptuous. In any case, Cayden waved bye-bye to everyone at bedtime, whether he did it knowingly or coincidentally.

And Mama and Daddy got to spend some relaxing one-one-one time the day after Christmas, getting massages and enjoying a romantic dinner.

A great holiday, all around.

Catching Up: Almost 5 Months Old

FYI, we worked the plugged duct out in a little over a day -- whew.

As for Cayden, he's now sitting with little support (seems to have come out of the blue -- I swear the last time I propped him up on his butt he tipped right over), and he's trying his darndest to figure out how to make his pieces work together to move around. We think he'll be crawling pretty soon.

We're back to pooping every three days or so, and last night Shorty set another new sleep record -- 10 hours straight, without Brian or I having to get up a single time to help him back to sleep.

And I discovered a FANTASTIC trick yesterday for pumping at work -- the hair tie trick! Amazing how four rubber bands can completely change the course of a day for me. I can now pump hands-free! Really great, because my left hand has started aching from horn-holding, and now my right hand doesn't have to peck away at the keyboard alone anymore. Pumping sessions suddenly got so much more productive. I'm sure I'd look ridiculous to anyone who happened upon me pumping hands-free, but I doubt anyone will have opportunity to take in such a sight.

Off to go get ready for Christmas Eve service -- sooo excited for Cayden's first Christmas, even though I know he'll be more interested in eating the wrapping paper than anything else.

Merry Christmas!

I love me some lolcats

I hate baby clothes

Less than two months ago I spent $70 on baby clothes I thought would last through much of the winter.

I was wrong.

I now need to go back out and buy 12-18 month clothes, because Cayden's torso is stretching his onesies and sleepers to the max.

The pants are another story. His 9-12 mo. pants are plenty long enough, but they're tight around the middle. So now I have to try find pants with really stretchy waistbands, but with legs that aren't too, too long. Any suggestions?

I can't remember the last time I spent $70 on clothes for myself, let alone twice in a single season.

Cayden is four months, three-and-a-half weeks old.

Plugged Duct

Uggh, I'm pretty sure I have one. Right side, right at the line where the nursing bra sits, under my boob.

Cayden is a little over four and a half months old.

So today will be spent massaging the sore spot, nursing frequently, applying warm compresses and resting. All in an effort to work the plug free before infection and mastitis have a chance to come out and play.

Meanwhile, Brian will keep working on the wall, so we can (hopefully) at least put our living room back in order before the work week starts.

Nicknames

Peanut (Mr. Peanut, Peanut-Man)
Shorty
Chicken Wing
Snugglerumpus
Baby-Cade
Footsy-Bruitser
Bamster
Weenster
Little Bubba
Boopie

Fake Coughing? Really?

Yes, Cayden started fake coughing in the last few days, seeking attention. We know it's fake because the half-assed coughs are different than his real coughs, and he smiles while he's doing it. Sometimes it's cute, but mostly it's annoying, because he does it incessantly.

According to moms on BabyCenter.com, fake coughing is pretty common around 4 to 5 months of age.

I hope the fake coughing stage doesn't last too long; I'd much rather deal with piercing screams or shrieks than this ridiculous "eh-uh, eh-uh" stuff.

A personal victory

Well, I made it through a full, five-day work week, and what a week it was.

Supermom I don't proclaim to be, but I am proud to have conquered a week of out-of-the-ordinary challenges and an inbox that sometimes seemed bottomless pretty much unscathed. I didn't sacrifice a single pumping session (although my schedule did require flexibility a couple of days to accommodate pressing business), and I even made time to spend an hour-long lunch today down the street from the office, doing a small part to help Josiah and Christine prepare to welcome home their five-week-early bundle of joy, Rachel Elise.

I did not bring work home a single night, nor did I stay at the office past 5:30 at all. So baby Cayden got his lovey time with Mama, even if it was just an hour and a half each morning and two hours each night.

And despite the more-than-plentiful workload, I managed to clear my desk of all but three projects I'll tackle Monday.

This week was a confidence-builder. I'm feeling a bit of "if I could do this, I could do anything."

But I'd be lying through my teeth if I said I was ready to give up my four-day weekends with baby on a regular basis, yet.

Meeting Santa

Cayden met Santa for the first time this past Tuesday night at Bass Pro Shop. He was way more interested in the train set next to Mr. Claus than the guy in the red suit himself, but the photographers distracted him long enough to get one decent shot. Look at the jowels on droopy dog. The baby, not Santa.

Thanks to the Bilz family for the "Santa's Little Helper" jumper; the photographer loved the reindeer feet.

A new record

While Moday night's three wakings (1:30, 3:30 and 5:30 a.m.) convinced us we were back in the land of sleep regression, last night angel baby slept from 8:15 p.m. to 5:55 a.m. -- 9.5 hours!!

Notice how I only use the angel baby moniker when he sleeps well for us?

Incidentally, If I hadn't awoken at 3:30, then 4:30, then 5:30 in anticipation of baby cries last night, it would have been my first 7.5 hour stretch of sleep since somewhere around the second trimester, when I started having to get out of bed each night to pee.

Poopoo in the Potty

No, Cayden hasn't started potty training. But oh how the poop landscape changed with the introduction of rice cereal!

This morning we got the first post-rice cereal poop, and unlike his very liquid poops to date, this one was much thicker, like peanut butter. And it stuck to his buns, requiring more than just a gentle wipe to clean him off.

I decided I didn't want to let the peanut-butter-poop dry out in the diaper pail until I do diaper laundry later this week, so this morning I began our poop-scraping journey, which I read will be quite interesting over the next couple of years.

Used way too much toilet paper to get the poo in the toilet, so now I'm on the hunt for a poop-scraping aparatus. Plastic knives, spoons and putty knives have been recommended to me, so far.

Since he's only pooping about once every 8 days now, I guess I have a week to pick my poop scraper.

Babyproofing

When we bought this house two years ago, we did a lot of cosmetic work in the first two weeks we moved in, including ripping out a ton of carpet and laying hardwood floors upstairs. After we put the floors in, we just never got around to re-installing the railing that had been along the living room edge. So for the last two years, the back of this couch has been the edge of the living room, and we're very lucky that no one has pushed the couch back so that it fell off the floor and down into the staircase and foyer.

But now that we have mere months before Chicken Wing is moving around, we realized the need to put something up behind the couch, so we can eventually put a baby gate at the top of the stairs.

So babyproofing started today, in the form of wall construction. Forget outlet covers and toilet locks; our entree into babyproofing required lots of power tools and off-site babysitters. Brian and my brother framed and drywalled the wall, and they hope to finish it within a week or so.

I'm a little miffed that we bought all the spindles and other crap to make a banister MONTHS ago, then Brian decided a wall would be better. But then again, this wall -- which will include three recessed and spotlit boxes -- gives me the perfect place to feature a huge 11x14 print of "a mother's view," my favorite photo of my baby.

Nursery

I realized last week I never posted pictures of the nursery, once it was completely done. So here it is.

Sleeping through the night

That's right, folks -- we have a baby who has been sleeping through the night for a week!! Not the "sleeping through the night" adults are used to, but ever since last Friday, his first stretch of sleep has gotten longer and longer after bedtime.

Last Friday he slept almost five hours before waking up -- a heck of a lot different than the up-every-hour crap he was doing not to long ago -- and last night he slept from 8:15 to 4:40 a.m. before waking for a snack!

And the icing on the cake? Now it only takes me 15 minutes to put him to bed, before he's completely out for HOURS.

Sooooo, is it coincidence that we started rice cereal last Friday night, and he's been sleeping like a champ ever since that same night? DOUBTFUL.

I know the docs don't necessarily agree that rice cereal makes babies sleep better, and I've heard from a few moms whose kids definitely did NOT sleep better after rice cereal.

But my baby? Yeah, rice cereal helps him sleep much more deeply and peacefully. Still glad we waited until we got the go-ahead from the pediatrician, but boy am I loving those magic little sparkly flakes now.

And I'm also really glad we don't have to revisit the CIO discussion, at least for a while. Brian is just thrilled that Cayden goes to sleep so fast and stays asleep so long, so we're OK with the fact that he nurses pretty much to sleep at bedtime and at his (now only!!) nighttime feeding.

And I'm sure now that I've committed this to writing he'll return to his horrible sleep patterns forthwith.

Haven't posted any photos in a while, so here's my handsome boy last Sunday, rolling around on the floor.


And here's what I came back out of the kitchen to find, after grabbing a glass of juice. Chicken Wing watching NFL countdown.


And one more. Cayden making out with his gifaffe, Sophie. Mmmmm, sloppy giraffe action.

Fenugreek: This stuff really works!!

Whether it's the herb itself or the psychological effect it has in reducing stress for me, production is definitely up! I got 19.5 ounces at work today.

Rice Cereal!!

A few things I forgot to mention that are worth mentioning

1.) About the two nights of progressive waiting we tried: how cruel that Cayden's only makes use of consonants during his most passionate cries, making every wail sound like "Ma Ma Ma Maaaa."

2.) Dr. Baker had to pull a cat fur off Cayden's twink at yesterday's appointment. It made me laugh, and the doc wasn't at all concerned.

3.) We're on Day Number Eight without a poop. This is the longest no-poop window since just before Canada and Cayden's 2-month birthday.

4.) He took his shot yesterday like a champ. Reaction was delayed by a second or two, but then he just let out one cry and that was it.

Four-Month Well Visit

Well, Cayden is thinning out and becoming more proportional, although he's still at the top of the growth charts. His stats are as follows:

Head Circumference: 18 inches (97th percentile)
Length: 26.5 inches (95th percentile)
Weight: 19 pounds, 3 ounces (97th percentile)

Dr. Baker gave us the green light to start solid foods, so I brought the high chair up from the garage this morning, and as soon as Chicken Wing wakes up, I'll start putting it together while he plays.

We may try some rice cereal tonight -- about a tablespoon mixed with breastmilk and fed to him using a baby spoon (rather than bottle, because of choking hazard), all as the doc recommended.

Doc Baker says he approaches sleep and BF kind of in the middle of the two extremes. While he thinks Cayden is a little young at four months for hard-core Ferberizing, he does think we can encourage him to learn self-soothing and putting himself to sleep by repeatedly presenting him opportunities to do so. He says to keep putting him in the crib, but if he screams and cries, we can certainly pick him up and soothe him, but then put him back down in the crib. His theory? After 8, 10, 12... tries, Cayden will start to learn it's just easier to fall asleep than fight it and go through the up-down, up-down routine.

The doc is also confident Cayden is eating more at night following the days I'm away from him, because he simply couldn't grow like this if his intake all day long was comparable to the 13 ounces he has during the 10 hours away from me. So he's not concerned about night feedings or feeding on demand at this point. He said that if multiple night feedings are still interrupting sleep around 9 months, then we'll explore whether or not he's looking for food or something else.

In short, Dr. Baker says we shouldn't worry about developing bad habits at this point. He says we're still in "survival mode" -- very common with a four month-old breastfed baby -- and that he wouldn't worry about bad habits until somewhere between 9 and 12 months.

Kind of reassuring, but also kinda not, since he basically said to keep doing what we've been doing (even trying the bedtime CIO we did for the past two nights with questionable results) and keep looking for opportunities to help him learn to self-soothe and go to sleep on his own.

About the past two nights' bedtime CIO routines: they were tough on us (we were both ready to quit at varying points each night), but both nights he did fall asleep on his own within an hour, and he slept until 2 or 2:30 each time. 40 minutes of crying Wed. night and 50 minutes of crying last night. Heartbreaking. But the progressive waiting approach did allow him reassurance every so often that we were still around, and he had eaten shortly before, so we knew he wasn't hungry. Just unhappy. It's tough stuff bein' a baby.

And bedtime CIO, whether it becomes regular or occasional, it about all we can take at this point. Doc Baker did say he doesn't recommend pushing it to nighttime wakings at this point, which is A-OK by us. His little I-cried-for-almost-an-hour-last-night puffy eyes this morning -- although he was all smiles and giggles when he woke -- were enough to convince me that taking small steps forward is plenty progress for now.

Oh, and Dad's biggest concern was put to rest. Before bathtime and after naked tummy time, Shorty's "shortie" usually shrinks back so that you can barely see it. But "disappearing penis" is actually a medically recognized and completely normal condition in infants. It looks funny, but it's nothing for Dad to worry about.

Raspberries

Dad calls them competitions, Mama calls them conversations.

I drink alone

Yeah, eah, with nobody else.

Baby's First Haircut

Apparently Cayden's loooong hair on the back of his head bugged Dad more than it did Mama. Because when I came home last night, Cayden's hair was shorter!

Turns out Daddy gave him his first haircut while he babysat Cayden all day yesterday. But Dad threw the hair out rather than keep it, not realizing the first cut is a big deal.

I gotta admit, the kid's head looks a little more normal now.

Ferber vs. Ask Moxie vs. KellyMom

Who knew the “experts” could disagree so diabolically on interpreting and addressing infant sleep patterns. Last week I thought I was sold on Ferber, and now – after a little more reading – I’m more confused and torn than ever before.

What one expert calls a sleep problem, another calls a completely normal sleep pattern for a breastfed baby. What one expert calls poor sleep associations, another calls reverse cycling. What one calls cause for sleep training, another calls a natural and unavoidable four-month wakeful period or sleep regression.

I’m completely torn between the breastfeeding experts’ advice to just keep on plugging through -- confident I’m responding to Cayden’s needs appropriately, and eventually he’ll make these sleep breakthroughs on his own -- and CIO, which could very well solve our sleep issues in a matter of days, but could sacrifice breastfeeding success or his comfort.

I’m really proud of successfully overcoming the physical and psychological challenges of breastfeeding, and I am absolutely terrified of drying up before he’s 1. I want my body to keep doing what it was meant to do for him. Because as tough as it was (and is) at times, it has worked very well for him and has been unbelievably rewarding for me.

So I’m beyond worried that if Cayden is reverse cycling (eating less during the day, then feeding more frequently at night to get close to mom) -- which he seems to be – and I don’t feed him at night, my milk will start to dry up. After all, nature’s rule proscribes that decreased stimulation results in decreased production. Besides that, I hate the idea of letting him fall asleep hungry and scared, if he really is just waiting to snuggle up with me.

I’m (selfishly) content to bring him to bed with me for the foreseeable future, but I completely understand and respect that Brian opposes co-sleeping as fostering bad habits. I just can't help but think, that at least for a little while longer, it's good for Cayden to find comfort and reassurance with me and nursing, even if it’s multiple times at night. Call me crazy, but suddenly some of the attachment parenting ideas I found so hippie-dippie, granola-lovey a few short months ago are now really appealing.

But I don’t know how to fish or cut bait on this one; both options (parent led sleep training vs. baby-led developmental progression) have some serious potential consequences. What if my supply tanks? What if we set up sleep habits that are impossible to break in a few months?

And how the hell am I supposed to know enough to make these decisions that will shape my infant’s life over the next year, if the so-called “experts” can’t get their shit together to agree on a plan of action???

The bottom line is that I’m terrified of doing the wrong thing, yet I have no idea what the right thing is. And I can’t bear the thought of Cayden being scared or hungry at night. Unhappy about learning to sleep is one thing, but scared and hungry are another.