Thursday, March 19, 2009

The things no one mentions, until it's too late

I've been thinking a lot lately about the little details of pregnancy no one shared with me, until after there was no turning back. Not that they would have changed our minds or plans, necessarily, but it would have been nice to know in advance, so we could evaluate all the pros and cons to this whole child birthing and rearing process.

Now of course I'd heard all about the potential unflattering weight gain, nausea, hormones, stretch marks, constipation, etc.

But what about the following, for example, all of which are apparently quite common and widely recognized, yet NEVER SHARED WITH ME BEFORE I GOT PREGNANT?

1. Foot growth. Hasn't happened to me, yet, but apparently my feet may grow a half-size to a size by the end of all this.

2. Hair loss. Thanks, ladies, for telling me in advance that my hair may likely start falling out in clumps, at just about the time I plan to return to work.

3. Boob shrinkage/deflation. So less than a decade is all I get with the full tatas of which I've grown so fond? Funny how no one shared that they may actually both SHRINK to a smaller size and DEFLATE to a funny shape, after breastfeeding. Note to self: incorporate a boob lift into the long-term financial plan for the future.

4. New hair, in places it shouldn't be. OK, over the past few years I've grown accustomed to and comfortable with plucking a random hair below my belly button every now and then. But come on, the quantity and courseness of the hairs of my happy trail are now grossing me out.

Those few examples, off the top of my head, are to lead into the most recent "normal" pregancy surprise for me:

Last night I snissed myself.

That is, I sneezed really hard, and when I did, I momentarily lost control of my pelvic floor and peed a little. In my pants, down my leg, while emptying the dryer. Yes, I pissed myself while sneezing.

I'll pause for the laughter, while you all get ahold of yourselves.

So how did it not come to my attention in all the years I've known women who are or who have been pregnant that temporary and random incontinence is a common "side effect" of pregnancy? In fact, it's so common, it's regularly joked about on national and regional message boards and there's ink dedicated to it in pregnancy books. But guess what - I didn't read pregnancy books or Web sites until AFTER I became "in a family way."

Thanks, ladies. Thanks for lookin' out.

For what it's worth, you bet your sweet ass I'm increasing the frequency and intensity of my kegel workouts, and I'm never again going to hold it just a few more minutes while I finish something up.

1 comment:

Connie said...

Every pregnancy is different, and the chances that you will experience all of the undesirable side-effects are VERY slim. In any event, I guarantee that the moment they put that beautiful little boy into your arms and you look into his eyes, you will forget everything except how very blessed you and Brian are.