OK, seriously. Do the maternity buyers in central PA think all pregnant women are 5'2" and either pediatric nurses or homemakers?

I have to believe so, otherwise maternity pants in this area would come with inseams longer than 30 inches, and tops would not all be obnoxious pastel prints or loungewear. It's as if an Easter basket and a Footlocker for short people puked all over every maternity section/store I've seen.

Now I've seen pregnant women around here dressed cutely and classily. So that leads me to believe that the maternity clothes of all stylish moms-to-be in the Harrisburg area came from one of three places: (1) pre-pregnant wardrobes, (2) the Internet or (3) major metropolitan areas.

Pause, and rewind. I've been told by a few ladies over the past couple of weeks that pickins are slim in this area for maternity clothes, and I should start my search early to avoid frustration down the road. Since the idea of not finding what I want when I'm fat, emotionally charged and desperate for something that fits scares the hell out of me, I decided to take that advice.

So no, I don't need maternity clothes yet, but since finding regular pants with 34 inch inseams is kind of a pain in the ass, I could only imagine how difficult it would be to find long maternity pants. So I've casually browsed through the maternity sections of Kohls, Target and Walmart recently, and I made my first trip to the Motherhood Maternity outlet in Hershey this past weekend.

Apparently there are very few pregnant women in central PA who work in professional office atmospheres, or maybe we're just not a vocal enough group. So let me voice my frustration here.

NO, I CANNOT AND DO NOT HAVE ANY INTEREST IN WEARING LEGGINGS/YOGA PANTS AND UGGS TO WORK WITH ANY REGULARITY. AND I'M HAVING A BABY, NOT INTERESTED IN DRESSING MYSELF LIKE AN OVERSIZED BLIMP VERSION OF ONE.

Is it too much to ask for a store that carries decent-looking professional attire in stock, so that I can TRY THINGS ON? After all, it's not like I've EVER HAD TO WEAR MATERNITY CLOTHES BEFORE, SO HOW THE $#&% AM I SUPPOSED TO KNOW WHAT SIZE I AM, ESPECIALLY IF ALL THE SIZE CHARTS SAY I'M BETWEEN SIZES?!

Looks like my reality will be buy-it-then-try-it from online collections (where, cruelly and ironically enough, there are plenty of longs and professional styles at much more expensive prices) and perhaps a trip or two to Mimi Maternity in King of Prussia, a store that specializes in professional and stylish maternity clothes.

To hold me over until I bite that bullet, however, I did get two "tummy bands" at Motherhood on Saturday (thanks for the gift card, mom). I'm still not sure I buy it, but these things are supposed to act as big rubber bands that will hold my unbuttoned and unzipped pants up when I'm too big to make them close. And they're supposed to look like cute little tank tops peeking out underneath shirts. I think you're totally going to be able to see through this elastic band that my pants are miles away from closing, but some people swear by these things. I guess we'll see in the coming weeks.

Hey, maybe I'll get really lucky, and these rubber band tank top thingies will work perfectly throughout the entire pregnancy, so I'll never have to torture myself trying to find maternity pants. A girl can dream...