Off the Grid

We're about to take off for two weeks in the Great White North (Canada, that is), so unless I find a free library connection somewhere in Perth, we'll be off the grid for two weeks. Back to the old-fashioned pen and paper for journaling and tracking milestones.

The trip up may prove an adventure, what with a nine week old, two cats, a used car-top carrier we just figured out yesterday and a car we've never taken on a long trip. But we're looking forward to some time alone on the lake as a little family. Then next week Grammy and Grandude Stackhouse will join us at the cottage for a big Canadian Thanksgiving.

But one more picture to share. How lucky are we that the brown-out of September '09 happened just before we left, rather than on the road? This took some SERIOUS clean up effort, and we would have had an absolute MESS on our hands if this had happened on the road. This is what eight days of poop build up looks like. And while poop in small doses doesn't really smell all that bad, this STUNK. (As do his toots, all of a sudden; really, he can clear a room.)

Really, sposies don't stand a chance against something like this, so we're taking some cloth diapers for nighttime, hoping his next blow-out happens early morning like the last two have.

2-month well visit & Cayden's first shot

Cayden's check up with Dr. Baker went very well!

He's 15 pounds, 11 ounces (97th percentile), 23 and 3/4 inches long (75th percentile), and his head is 16 and 1/4 inches around (60th percentile). All his parts seem to be in order, and all our concerns (weight, feeding, sleeping) are normal (yay!) and have no definitive answers (ugh).

But we were told specifically:

- Don't worry about the lack of poop until Friday, when we may want to try some anal stimulation with a thermometer, to give him something to "push against"

- Breastmilk is all he needs nutritionally until he's six months old (no water, no cow's milk, no Karo, no rice cereal). However, if he starts showing interest in our food (grabbing at it, opening his mouth when we do to eat) early, Dr. Baker may suggest starting to introduce solid foods as early as four months.

- Formula is perfectly fine for him and certainly won't harm him. (Brian's question) However, breastmilk is preferred and ideal, so if we have it and don't have any issues, he prefers we keep Cayden exclusively breastfed. And there is no science to support that formula will keep him fuller, longer.

- The only sleep position Doc recommends until Cayden can roll both ways -- front to back and back to front -- is on his back. That is, unless someone is watching him closely, maybe to put him to sleep on his belly, then roll him over once he's out.

- A simple, over-the-counter remedy for thrush is anti-fungal Vagisil, rubbed on the nips. Mama may or may not have a mild case, but Cayden's showing no symptoms; we just wanted to ask since we're heading out of the U.S. and finding/visiting a doc could prove challenging in the next couple of weeks.

Cayden had some baby Tylenol, then got one oral vaccination and one shot that are first doses to counter five diseases. He let out a little whimper when the needle went in his pudgy left thigh, but just a second later he was smiling at Dad again.

Now we'll watch and coddle him the rest of the day, in case he has any reactions to the vaccinations.

Cayden is two months old!

Sometimes I feel like time has flown, other times I feel like this was the longest two months of my life.











Here's Cayden watching his new favorite toy -- the light-up smiley star that plays music on his playmat. He doesn't yet grab the toys on the bars, but he's starting to get a kick out of looking at things.

College football, post-partum

A couple of things worth noting, since they made this year's tailgating and game experience notably different than those of years past.

First, pumping during the tailgate wasn't as big a deal as I thought it would be. And since I wanted to get two good pumps in without dumping the milk (keeping it for our stash), pumping kept me from getting my drink on too early. A very good thing, since we tailgated for about 11 hours.

However, when people started peeing between our car doors to avoid trekking to the crowded porta-johns in the downpour, it made securing privacy a little more challenging. But I only got "walked in on" one time, and by 7:45, neither Bill nor I cared.

Secondly, although I've been doing my kegels and re-strengthening my girlie muscles by walking, they're not as strong as I thought they were! I only had one or two snissing experiences shortly after delivery, and I thought the pressure-induced incontinence was behind me. I was wrong. Apparently screaming at the top of your lungs exerts a whole lot more pressure down there than I thought it could, because I kept peeing myself little bits every time we got rowdy in the stadium. But I was absolutely drenched anyway (and half-tuned), so I didn't care. Just a lesson in personal physics I was quite surprised to learn.

A good weekend away, but I miss my baby

We had a great time at Penn State despite the rain, and I really needed the adult interaction and conversations about things other than baby.

And I only got emotional one time, when Auntie Nicole sent a picture of Cayden with a sign saying he missed us. But it was adorable.

Now we're home and almost all unpacked and cleaned up. After we take a couple of hours to nap and recharge, we'll go pick up Chicken Wing!

And apparently he slept (on his tummy) for just over five hours last night (8 weeks, 4 days old), from 8 p.m. to 1:15 a.m. That's a first. Anxious to see if it is a one-time thing, or if he'll start sleeping in longer stints with any regularity.

Oh, and he hasn't pooped since Tuesday morning. We thought maybe Grandma might get the big prize, but it hasn't happened yet!

First night away

I didn't think I would, but I did. I cried a little bit after we left Cayden at Grandma Barb's tonight. Not because I doubt that she, Nicole and MiMi will take good care of him, but because I missed him (already) and fear he will miss me and get scared.

But we'll both be fine. Or at least that's what Brian keeps telling me.

So Brian and I are getting really excited to see friends we haven't seen in a long time and have a great time at Penn State tomorrow.

But I can't say I won't call a couple of times to check in on Chicken Wing or show his pictures to anyone who asks.

Cayden is eight weeks and three days old.

packing, unpacking, packing, unpacking ...

I feel like all we'll do for the next five days is pack and unpack.

First we've got to pack Cayden and a whole lotta his crap up for two nights at Grandma Barb's: Friday night we're staying home, but we figure we may as well try to get one good night's sleep before a LONG day and night in State College Saturday.

But after we unpack Cayden at Grandmas we've got to go back home to pack for a football weekend at Penn State. We'll leave around 5:30 or 6 a.m. for State College, tailgate all day, go to the game, then crash and Fritz's Toftrees apartment.

Then we come home to unpack tailgating stuff and unpack baby stuff, only to start figuring out how we're going to pack all our stuff AND his stuff for two weeks in Canada, starting Wednesday.

We're hoping Chicken Wing won't torture the Brassell women too much (it will be a three-generation babysitting effort over the next two-and-a-half-days). The past couple of days weren't nearly as good as the start to the week was. He's been in bed with us the past two nights (no crib), and we're still trying to figure out how to make him take the nap he desperately needs each afternoon.

Oh, and Tuesday morning's diaper was most certainly a doozie. Yesterday Cayden's weight was 6 ounces more than it was two days before. He's broken 15 pounds. Funny, because the weight limit on the Pack'n'Play changing station is 15 pounds. Looks like we'll have to figure something else out for Canada. Or maybe we'll just take it so Spike has a comfy place to sleep.

And a quick shout-out to Fitz, who surprised us with a visit to the house Wednesday when he was in the area for work. Great to chat (almost entirely about babies, since Beth is due in just over 2 months), although it's crazy to realize how much we've grown up from the college experiences that brought us together. Frat relations, sorority rumors and local bands used to dominate every conversation; now we spend hours talking about baby monitors and breastfeeding.

Pooping and Swaddling Milestones

Or not-pooping and not-swaddling milestones, more appropriately.

Cayden went with no poops for the past three days, and this morning he had the biggest blowout to date. He had been pooping at just about every feeding or diaper change, so this is a big drop-off. Quite normal for breastfed babies to see a dramatic decrease in poops anywhere from six weeks to three months of age. His little gut is just maturing, and the milk no longer irritates his insides. So it just hangs out for a few days.

He did blow out before we went to group this morning, so his weight gain wasn't as dramatic as it has been. He gained six ounces in the last week. I wonder what that diaper weighed. :)

And last night he slept unswaddled for the first time. Very peacefully, and in fact I wonder if he slept better than he had been sleeping in the swaddle. Came upon this milestone completely by accident, as Cayden spit up on his swaddle last night after Dad gave him a bottle, and Dad didn't know where the other clean one was. (I was sleeping) So Dad put him in the crib unswaddled, and Cayden was asleep almost immediately and kept his little chicken wings up by his head. Each of the two times I got up to feed him, he fell asleep within a half-hour of waking in the same position, unswaddled, in his crib.

Cayden is eight weeks old today.

Our blessed boy

Well, baptism went far better than we expected!

The night before was a little tough since Cayden decided he just didn't want to sleep from 12:30 until about 2 a.m., but if a rough night was the trade-off for an angel baby today, we'll take it.

Brian and I both got moving around 8 a.m., and somehow we both got gussied up and prepared Cayden in two hours. Brian shaved, I straightened my hair for the first time in two months and Cayden ate a couple of times before getting putting on his Sunday best. Unbelievably, we left right at 10 a.m., our target time to get out of the house!

And the dear, dear boy slept the whole way through the church service, except for a few grunts when Pastor Wetzel passed the water over his head. Apparently he tooted while in Pastor Wetzel's arms, though. Mama and Dad got a little emotional during the walk of blessing, but baby slept the whole time. A quick dipey change and small bottle during the last hymn, and we were off to brunch with family and friends.

Where Cayden continued to sleep! In fact, he only had one diaper change and two small bottles (he didn't finish four ounces either time) between 10:00 a.m. and 4:30 p.m.

Lots of cameras were out, so everyone who got good shots during church and the brunch needs to upload them to Cayden's Corner! Here are a couple of shots of our handsome blessed boy.

Thanks again, Max (and Jess & Dave), for letting our little guy borrow your suit. It couldn't have been more perfect.

Without the jacket, as he was for the church service:

And with, just for some photos:

And a shot with Max, who wore the same suit two years ago this October for his own baptism.

Thumb-sucking

Shorty is trying desperately to suck his thumb, and he's almost got it. A couple of times today he got it lodged in his mouth, but he doesn't have complete control of his arms, yet, so it popped out each time.

And if I thought thumb-sucking would have soothed me at all this afternoon, I would have tried it.

It was another rough afternoon.

When Brian took Cayden out for a drive to try to put him to sleep, I decided to mow the lawn, to get some fresh air, exercise and "me time" with my thoughts.

Ten minutes in, I ran over a bee's nest with the mower and a swarm of bees attacked me. Less than an hour after I had stopped wimpering about the baby, I was nearly inconsolable with at least three bee stings to my face and neck.

No joke. Talk about adding insult to injury. Like I said, another rough afternoon.

But I've had a big glass of wine, and Chicken Wing FINALLY went to sleep in his crib about an hour ago.

So we're hoping for a better night...

Trying not to get too excited

But for the past couple of days, Cayden has not been so reluctant to take naps, and he even SLEPT IN HIS CRIB AND PACK'N'PLAY WITHOUT ISSUE!!

Tuesday night (seven weeks old) I started a nighttime routine around 9 p.m.: warm, calming bath, followed by a new dipey in the dimmed nursery, where soothing celtic meditation music played. Then I nursed him silently (other than the music -- kind of like spa music with an Irish influence) in the glider, swaddled him, swayed him in my arms a bit, then put him down on his back in the Snuggle Nest in the crib around 10 p.m. He was quiet alert for about 10 minutes (Brian came in and told me there was no way he'd fall asleep, and he was sure my crib attempt would be a big fat fail), and then he fell asleep on his own! Slept for about an hour and a half before he woke up to eat.

Last night I returned to bed (I had been on the air mattress in the nursery for the past couple of nights -- really, I'm trying EVERYTHING), and we put him in the Snuggle Nest in the Pack'N'Play at the foot of our bed. He slept in there from 10:45 to 12:30, 1 a.m. to 3:30 and 4 a.m. to 6 a.m. And he went right back to sleep after each nursing -- keeping me vertical only 1/2 hour each time! At 6 a.m. I did bring him back to bed with me to snuggle. But now we have a bedrail on my side so there's no risk of him falling out (thanks, Jenny!)

And so far today, Chicken Wing went down for a mid-morning nap of more than two hours! I tried to put him in his swing this afternoon, but he started wailing after about 7 minutes, so now he's sleeping in his sling, strapped to my frontside.

We're thinking a number of factors are at play here, especially with the nighttime sleeping and the fact that he'll suddenly sleep somewhere other than in our arms: he's getting over his cold, the music seems to be REALLY calming for him, we're getting back to religious use of the swaddle, we're paying attention to limit stimulation at nighttime (dim lights, little talking, etc.) and he's been napping a little better during the day (you know, since sleep begets sleep for babies).

I realize this could all be an anomaly, but the past couple of days have given us hope that maybe he's turning a corner! We can identify some semblance of a routine! What a great birthday gift for Dad, however short-lived it may be.

Speaking of which, here's a pic of Cayden and Daddy, on Daddy's 31st birthday.

And here's a pic of fish lips, just before we put him to bed last night (this is drunk baby, after he ate).

The baby that delayed my epidural. (Oh, and we're still growing)

I met him today: Carson, and his mom is Sarah.

She's in my BF group, and I had overheard her talking about her emergency c-section a few weeks ago. I confirmed today that her baby's birthday is the same as Cayden's, and I asked her what time Carson was born. She said 2:50 p.m. (after her water broke 18 hours earlier at Ruby Tuesday), but then there were complications because she regained feeling before the procedure was done. So general anesthesia was required, and the anesthesiologists were in with her for quite a while after Carson's birth.

We arrived at the hospital at about 3:20 p.m., and I think I asked for the epidural somewhere around 4 p.m. I was told the anesthesiologists were tied up in an emergency c-section, but that they'd be in as soon as they were done.

So Sarah and Carson delayed my epidural. We laughed about the coincidence and meeting each other, and she's a really nice girl, from the few minutes I spent chatting with her. And Carson is experiencing all the same sleeping challenges as Cayden: infrequent (if ever) naps, late-day fussiness and preference to be held while sleeping.

Carson was also born with a full head of hair, but it all fell out, and he's left with peach fuzz right now. Sarah wanted to know how I kept Cayden's hair, and I told her I have no idea.

It was funny to sit next to the two of them, however, because Carson -- a little less than six hours older than Cayden, was probably about five pounds smaller. It's amazing to compare this chunk to other babies his age and older. FYI, he weighed in today at 14 pounds, 5 ounces, exactly one pound more than a week ago. That means he's still gaining more than 2 ounces a day, double to quadruple the average growth rate. Oh, and there was a 9-month old baby at today's group -- standing and walking and looking very much like a normal 9-month old -- who weighed 17 pounds. Three pounds more than my seven-week-old. I can't even imagine what this kid will weigh more than seven months from now.

I can't wait to hear what Dr. Baker has to say in two weeks, at Chicken Wing's 2-month appointment.

I think my boobs make super-milk. :)

More football!

We can't wait for the season opener this afternoon!

Not his baptism outfit

This one didn't make the cut. Dad thinks it's too dark for his baptism, but it sure made for a cute pic when we tried it on him.

But wait 'til you see what he will wear next Sunday. Really, it may be the cutest thing you will ever, ever see. Thanks to Max for lending his baptism outfit.

Whoooooa, Whoooooa, Whoooooa, LET'S GO STATE!!!

Cayden was really excited for college football yesterday.


Or was he just squeezing out a poop?

Oh how I love my bed

I slept in bed last night for the first time since my birthday (almost a month), and it was WONDERFUL. Both Cayden and I slept as best as we have since we came home, save for our stuffy noses.

He did two hours in his snuggle nest in the pack'n'play (moved from the living room into the bedroom), then the rest of the night next to me in bed.

I think co-sleeping may be the way to go for us, at least until Cayden can soothe himself and eats less frequently at night.

We've done it more than a few times on the couch, and the bed is simply more safe and more comfortable for us to share our snooze.

Only complicating factor is that Dad is in the bed. Brian did wake up a couple of times last night, but I don't think we kept him up all that long. No crying or fussing at all last night, since Chicken Wing nursed himself to sleep each time he woke up. And since I didn't have to get up to feed him (we both stayed horizontal in bed), I got to doze while Cayden ate. And his double-stuffed Bum Genius kept him comfortable from midnight until 7 a.m.

LC Mary said sleep studies have shown that co-sleeping can actually give nursing moms the most rewarding sleep possible, since biorhythms of mom and baby get in sync and they fall in and out of REM sleep together. That, and there's no walking around the house for an hour after nursing, to get baby to fall back asleep.

Think about it: when I nurse him upright at night or when he gets a bottle, he has to be rousted from where he rests and the feeding takes anywhere from 10 to 30 minutes. Say it takes another hour to get him back to sleep (not uncommon), and we're already an hour-and-a-half from the start time of the feed. At least once overnight he goes two hours or less between feedings, so that means I'm back at square one. I got not sleep in between, but he's ready to start the cycle again.

With co-sleeping, not only do I get to snuggle with the little bugger almost all night, but we both drift in and out while he eats, and he's never disturbed so much that he needs to be soothed back to drowsiness.

Yes, there are risks associated with co-sleeping, but my little bit of research so far has shown that the horror stories typically accompany situations where simple precautions and/or common sense were ignored. And I plan to talk about co-sleeping more with Mary on Tuesday and check out a book on the topic from Hershey Med's library. Seems the practice is making something of a come-back in the U.S., probably because breast-feeding is also on the up-tick.

Packin' stuff up

I can't believe it, but this is the pile of stuff I assembled today, after going through Cayden's things to pull out everything that no longer fits the six-week-old. Some of this stuff (all rated for babies up to 3 months old) he never wore a single time.

And after the prefold diaper covers started leaking earlier this week, I looked at the tag to find they're recommended for babies 6 to 10 pounds. That discovery, combined with the fact that the back corners of the prefolds don't meet up anymore with the front corners on Cayden, means we're officially done with prefolds. But the diapers themselves can still be used as Bum Genius stuffers and burp clothes.

And since our remaining 'sposies from the first couple of weeks are only rated for babies up to 14 pounds, we're going to use them up over the next few days.

Kudos to Colleen for thinking ahead and getting Pampers Size 2 sposies for the diaper cake. They're good for 12- 18 pounders, so they'll be perfect for our two-week trip to Canada, for which we leave at the end of the month. I didn't want to have to worry about our washing routine on vacation and with washer/drier with which I'm not all that familiar.

Off to Carter's today, to spend some free money (gift certificates) on more long-sleeve shirts in the 6-month range.

Really, we're all OK

Sorry to alarm loved ones with the post from a couple of days ago.

Really, we're all OK. Yesterday and today were good days, and even though I was up a lot last night, it was an alright night, too.

Brian and I are still happily married, the baby is in no danger and I promise I'm not going to crack completely.

Writing is just my way of working things out in my head; my own self-help therapy. And it really made me feel good to get that out there. And judging by the comments and personal messages I've received, it made a handful of other women feel good too, knowing none of us is alone on this hormonal, sleep-deprived roller-coaster, the downswings of which I'm calling "the baby crazies."

I promise -- my head is still screwed on tight and I love my husband and son more than I could imagine. But the baby crazies made my mind go places I didn't want it to nor knew it could. But the really bad times have only added up to two or three breakdowns out of the past six weeks. Pretty good ratio, I think, and the desperately sad parts are just as much the reality of the situation as the good days. And the good days are evidenced by all the photos, videos and more upbeat posts, which far outnumber the negative ones.

Day by day and week by week we'll all learn better how to cope with our new life together, and hopefully in a couple of years I will have developed the fourth trimester amnesia I think all moms who have done this more than once or a while ago must have developed over time.

Breastfeeding and the F-Word

Now I understand why the wealthy Europeans of yester-year had peasant women nurse their babies for them (hence, “wetnurse”). It’s soooo much work, stress, pressure and planning. And it’s so isolating, since no one else – not Dad, not Grandma, not babysitters, not anyone – can make the milk that we want to get into that little system.

And considering we’ve had about as EASY a time with breastfeeding as possible, I can’t imagine what I’d do if we faced any of the challenges so many other women confront and conquer. Latch problems, nipple shields, supplementary breastfeeding systems, acid reflux, allergies, nipple blisters, clogged ducts, mastitis, low milk production, exclusive pumping – you name the breastfeeding challenge, and I’ve talked to or heard from someone who’s experienced it, overcome it and remained dedicated to breastfeeding.

So knowing how “easy” we’ve had it (please, I use the term loosely), I can’t help but feel guilty that we discussed the “F-word” last night. Formula.

My production is impressive (I can feed Cayden plentifully and still freeze or store 12 – 16 ounces each day by pumping just three times), his latch is perfect (unless and until he’s voracious, when he starts growling and thrashing his head all around the boob) and his gas issues are no worse than normal. So how dare I – so blessed in the breastfeeding experience – consider giving up, giving in or taking the easy way out by introducing formula, even just once a day.

But that’s what Brian and I talked about last night.

Formula takes longer to digest, so the curds stay in baby’s stomach longer. Therefore, it’s possible that formula will keep him full, longer. But it’s also possible it won’t, and this growing baby will still wake me up three times a night to eat. Obviously the lactation consultant advises against using formula for a whole host of reasons (especially since we have about 30 four-ounce bags of milk in the freezer), and even the pediatrician’s nurse advised only mixing a fraction of formula into breastmilk, if we decide to accept failure.

Because that’s what it feels like to me. Everything is going as right as possible for us, and the trials and tribulations we’re experiencing are all NORMAL at this stage in the game. I have to keep reminding myself we’re only six weeks in. So today I’m back to my dedication to avoiding formula. Because we don’t need it, because it costs money, because it’s not quite as good as the natural stuff, because one bit of formula a day could start a slippery slope and because one dose – even just one little dose – would mean my baby would not have been fed exclusively by breastmilk.

And I don’t know why, but that’s important to me. Maybe it’s my competitive nature or my strong, sometimes extreme, desire to be the first, the best, the most perfect.

But that’s what stuck with me even yesterday and last night, when I was at my wit’s end – the fact that one bit of formula (tainted milk?) in my baby’s tummy means I didn’t sacrifice and do the best I possibly could for him.

Brian compared the milk situation to the epidural decision: I wanted to avoid the epidural if at all possible, but once I decided to have it, I enjoyed the experience of labor and delivery. Brian thinks here, too, if formula keeps Cayden asleep for longer periods at night, then maybe I’ll be able to get more sleep and stress less about feeding this little bugger.

But something feels fundamentally different about this decision to me. My body can do this for my baby, so it’s just a matter of getting my mind on board during the tough parts. Motherhood is all about sacrifice and selflessness, right? How about a big fat lesson in both in this experience.

So for now, we’re just going to try increasing the amount of breastmilk Cayden takes in his bottle at night, and Chicken Wing will stay exclusively breast-fed for the time-being.

But talk to me again in a month and a half. If we’re still confronting the same feeding schedule and pressures as I prepare to go back to work, we may revisit discussion of the F-word. Or maybe we will before that, who knows.

All I know for sure is that today he’s getting no formula. And I’m pretty sure he’ll have none tomorrow, either. One day at a time.

Baby noises and rolling over

Baby's first cold and Mama's sacroiliac pain

Last week I got a cold, and just as I was afraid, I passed it on to Cayden. I just knew that no matter how much hand washing and sanitizing I did (and I did a TON), there was probably no avoiding it. So he has the sniffles. My cold moved from my throat to my nose and now to my chest, so let's hope it stops in Chicken Wing's nose.

Last night I wanted so badly to make him blow his nose so he could breathe easier, but alas -- you can't make a baby do that. But Mary advised today that we can make him sneeze by tickling under his nose, and sometimes that works to get the snot out. That, and a humidifier. Beyond that, though, we have to let the cold run its course and rely on the fact that all the great antibodies he's getting from my breastmilk will take care of things on their own.

And I learned two things when I went to the doc this morning.

First, (drumroll and fanfare, please...) at six weeks post-partum, I'm back to my pre-pregnancy weight!! Yay!! My midsection doesn't quite look the same as it did last September -- I don't know that my navel piercing will ever look like it did, I still have a stripe down my belly and things just look a little "softer" now -- but in today's group I learned some neat tummy excercises using baby as added resistance!

And secondly (and the reason I went to the doc), the pain I thought was in my right hip or lower back since somewhere in the third trimester of pregnancy was diagnosed as sacroiliac joint inflammation or injury. Apparently the pelvis has some joints in it, and the natural joint expansion of pregnancy irritated one of them for me. Continually lifting Cayden and twisting and bending with him has aggravated the joint, causing the resurgence of pain.

My body is still in the process of physically and hormonally returning to its pre-pregnancy ways, so the condition will likely fix itself in a matter of weeks or months. However, the pain got pretty bad earlier this week, and it will likely only get worse considering I can't really avoid lifting Cayden and this boy is still gaining about 2 ounces a day. So Dr. Saacks reccommended physical therapy and ultrasound treatment for me in lieu of the drugs I can't take while breastfeeding. Waiting for a call from the referral scheduler.

And thanks for all the good wishes and words of encouragement earlier this week. Mimi took Chicken Wing for much of yesterday to let me get some sleep and get caught up, and today has been a good day, so far. Just another one of those ups and downs that I keep hearing will continue for at least another month or so. I'm OK (even chipper and positive!) most of the time, but exhaustion and hormones have pushed me to the limit two or three times so far. Early Wednesday morning was one of them.

Oldie but Goodie

This made me smile this morning (then cry), so I'll share it. I needed the smile.

Some of Cayden's first cries. So scared and so innocent, not at all sure of the world he was just thrust into.

Disillusionment, Resentment, Guilt, Fear and Doubt

First, let me start by saying I've been up almost all night. I got a few winks between 11 p.m. and 1 a.m., but that was it.

I don't know what I was expecting this early parenthood experience to be, but this largely wasn't it.

The well-meaning sentiments to "enjoy these precious moments" seem misguided and I'm always afraid to answer honestly questions about how much I must be enjoying this "special time that goes so fast." It seems so little has been precious or special yet, and time can't seem to go fast enough until things get better.

Because they have to start to get better, right?

Resentment
So many resentful thoughts run through my mind lately, and I'm not at all proud of them. But they're what I think and feel.

I resent Brian for never having to take Cayden by himself for any period of time. I resent him for getting to leave the house and the baby to work and go to the gym. I resent him because he can leave the baby without planning in advance to have milk ready for Cayden. I resent him for sleeping six or seven hours straight, then still saying he's tired the next day. I resent him for getting to sleep in the bed, yet still insisting on sleeping on the loveseat every now and then. I rensent him for continually arguing that formula is the remedy for all our problems. I resent him because he gets to enjoy a couple of stiff drinks at the end of the day.

I resent the baby for never giving me a break. I resent him for not even letting me enjoy a walk outside anymore, since he now wails after 20 minutes in the stroller. I resent him for making me choose between accomplishing something fulfilling for myself or sleeping, because there's just not time for both. I resent him for taking a big piece of me -- the piece that was something other than maid and babysitter. I resent him for making my back and hip hurt so much I'm going to call the doctor. I resent him for making me dread every evening and hate my couch so much. I resent him for fooling me into thinking he's becoming more manageable, then proving the opposite.

I resent this experience for what it has taken from my marriage -- the patience, the romance, the time, the attention. I resent that my biggest daily accomplishment is emptying the dishwasher or completing a load of laundry. I resent that it takes me days to accomplish a simple task, and that I regularly realize days after I meant to do something that it is still not done. I resent pumping and the fact that even when I get a chance to be away from the baby I can never completely get away because I've always got to be aware of what I eat and drink and pump, pump, pump -- before I leave, while I'm gone, when we come back.

I resent that I've never been made to feel so lonely and sad as I was on the couch this morning, silently sobbing, desperately waiting for the minutes and hours to pass.

Guilt
The guilt and shame that come from such dark thoughts is staggering. Do I not love my baby enough? How can I think such things about such a well-tempermented baby and such a loving and supportive husband? What do I do with all that misdirected anger and frustration?

I feel guilty for wishing so hard every now and then for everything to go back to the way it was before we got pregnant.

Fear and Doubt
I'm afraid I was right all along and I'm just not cut out for motherhood. I'm afraid of failing at this, and I doubt I have the patience or strength to do right by my family. I'm afraid I'm not the wife and mother Brian and Cayden deserve. I'm afraid I'll never be happy or satisfied again.

Here's hoping today starts to look brighter from here on out. I could use a good day.

Cayden is six weeks and one day old.

Thanks, Uncle Don & Aunt Linda

For the cute outfit, perfect for fall weather!

Roly Poly

At five weeks, six days old, Cayden rolled over for the first time.

Dad saw the first roll solo, but Mama witnessed the second one, which happened later today and confirmed that the first tummy-to-back roll wasn't a fluke.

Gotta get this darn video camera out more.

I used to think we needed a waterproof mattress pad for Brian...

...now we need it for me. Back in the day -- a few years after college when Brian still partied like he was in college -- the waterproof pad protected from any bed wetting. For the record, there never was any wetting IN the bed. In random places other than the bed or toilet, maybe, but those are stories for another time.

In any case, we gave up the waterproof mattress pad a couple of years ago, and now I may have to try to find it.

I layed down in bed this morning for about an hour and dozed off. Then I woke up in a puddle of milk. Second time this has happened. Worst part is, it looked like it could have been an ounce or more (big wet spot). Damn, I could have pumped and frozen that, if I hadn't leaked it.

In other news, Cayden weighed 12 pounds, 11.5 ounces yesterday, only 1.5 ounces more than on Tuesday. But Mary said a decent sized stool can weigh three or four ounces, and Chicken Wing did have a medium-sized blow out in his dipey before I weighed him.

Now we're on our way to three generations of babysitters (great-Grandma, Grandma Barb and Auntie Nicole), who will watch Cayden while we go meet with Pastor Wetzel about his baptism service. And then I'm going to meet Jess to make up for that pedicure that never happened.

Baby Talk

Toward the end of his fourth week, Cayden starting talking -- cooing, gurgling and making baby noises. Most of them are little yelps and sighs accompanied by smiles (they're definitely smiles, by the way), and dad is trying to catch the "active alert" stage on camera to share.

The first few weeks of parenthood is still one of the hardest, most frustrating and most exhausting experiences I've ever had, but the little developments really do give glimmers of hope and encouragement that keep me going. Like Mary the lactation consultant says, we're still in the dark tunnel, but we're beginning to see the light at the end.

No, I don't regret becoming a Mama (to answer Erin's question), regardless of how dark the dark times are. I'm just honest about those discouraging momments (or days), as I hope to be honest about all the exciting developments and rewards to come.

5 weeks

Cayden weighed 12 pounds, 10 ounces today, and I added a "growth chart" on the side, so I can remember his growth rates.

The fussy bruitzer seems to have hit a stage where he won't fall asleep (meaning he cries and cries and cries) unless he's being held by someone. And usually that someone also has to be bouncing or swaying him.

I got used to carrying 19 pounds around my middle, but constantly rocking and bouncing 13 pounds at my ribs is a whole 'nuther story. My back hurts. But the excercise ball and sling are helping.