Something else happened in the last few months

I'm not sure exactly when, I'm not sure exactly how, but somewhere over the last two or three months I became a confident, loving mother.

Not that I didn't love my baby from the day he was born, but reading back on a few posts from difficult times (especially this one) instantly brought me back to the debilitating fear and consummate guilt that my lack of confidence in myself as a mother clobbered upon me.

I know I loved my baby the day he was born, and I know I loved him during the first couple (few?) really hard months. But no, I did not feel an instant or compelling deeper-than-anything-I've-ever-felt-before kind of love. Not for a while. Hence, the fear and guilt that slithered in next to unappreciated sleep deprivation to produce a daily outlook of crippling insecurity.

But it's there now. My ineffable love for my son now crashes down on me every day, in waves and with a force I never believed possible. My heart actually aches with love and my breath is caught in my throat when I look into his eyes, see his smile, hear his giggle.

I'm beyond relieved, but I'm also suddenly a stranger to myself. This is the same woman who probably would have been perfectly happy for years (forever?) without a baby, had Brian not pushed the issue and set the timeframe. The same woman who never wanted to hold babies, who found children and babies a nuisance. The same woman who, even when her friends had babies, still didn't ooh and aah over toys and clothes and coos and milestones. And the woman who always doubted her own ability to love a child adequately, the way a child surely deserves to be loved.

While I'm still not too keen on holding others' babies, I now find myself staring at babies and children whenever they are around to be seen, a hazy smile plastered across my face in observation. I fall apart everytime I see the Pampers' Silent Night commercial. And I can't imagine any course for my life other than to raise my son the best I can, always striving to learn more, do better and demonstrate my love and commitment more acutely.

But such great love carries with it a new and haunting fear that festers quietly in my soul, only breaking through to the surface and demanding acknowledgment when another family's tragedy sparks "what if" thoughts and cultivates the fear. But this is a commentary on the surprising power of profound love, so I'll squash that anxiety back down, while I celebrate loving my son.

Not only am I now a confident, loving mother -- increasingly comfortable in the role I'll grow into over the rest of my lifetime -- more importantly, I'm a mother confident in her love for her child. An overwhelming, impossible love, the likes of which I hope beyond hope he gets to experience himself some day.

Five Months Old

The past month has been a real pleasure. At some point between months four and five, Cayden just seems to have gotten so much easier and more fun.

It doesn't hurt that he started sleeping much longer stretches at night somewhere in that timeframe.

But the screeches of joy (he discovered his squealing voice in the last week), wide-eyed amazement at new sights, grabby little hands, crazy tummy wiggles and excited bicycle legs are so much fun to experience and encourage. He can now entertain himself for extended periods of time, and he's putting together cause-and-effect things like banging on a toy to make it light up and play music.

As challenging as some points in our breastfeeding experience were, we seem to have hit our stride. Baby is obviously getting all that he needs, and Mama has learned to chill out a little and not get bent out of shape over a single day of lower-than-usual pump output. All the concerns over supply seem to be insignificant now, as we are freezing new baggies for the back-up stash about as fast as we are cycling through the oldest frozen milk, so as not to waste any. Pumping at work is still kind of a pain in the butt, but nursing has become a natural, very enjoyable experience for both of us.

Cayden has been eating 1 - 2 tablespoons of solid food one time a day for a little over three weeks now (OK, two solid food meals on Christmas day). But it remains absolutely mind-boggling (and one of the most personally rewarding experiences of my life) that my body -- and nothing else -- nourished and grew him for more than 13 months and continues to be his primary source of sustenance. Nature is an amazing, amazing thing, and it is truly a blessing to experience this real-life miracle every day.

Baby's First Christmas

What a fantastic long weekend with Cayden.

He was a near-perfect baby during the children's Christmas Eve service. He was very tired though, so eventually I gave him a little snack to help him calm down his minor bruitzing. Which really freaked Brian out, since I didn't pack a hooter hider. But one of Cayden's blankets worked perfectly to cover everything discretely, and Mama just sang along to the hymns seated, while everyone else stood with their candles. It was a really special moment for me, actually. Nursing my love in church on Christmas Eve while singing to him by candlelight. And boy oh boy did my boys look handsome.

Went for dinner and presents to Grandma and Grandpa's house, and baby will surely love his activity table. He was a little too tired for it on Christmas Eve, but the sounds, lights and colors will entertain him in the coming weeks and months.

And while Mama will appreciate the baby food cookbook and Beaba cooker more than Cayden will, he'll certainly enjoy the fruits (but first veggies) of the machine's labor. :) (Thanks for the suggestion, Molly -- we can't wait to spend a weekend steaming and pureeing baby food!)

Christmas morning was spent at Grammy and Grand-dude's house, and Cayden much preferred eating bows to actually playing with his new toys. But he's starting to get a kick out of his new jumperoo, and we know he'll love having his own train set next Christmas season. Mama was particularly thankful for the new bedtime stories; now our collection is big enough that I shoudln't get too sick of reading any stories too often.

Christmas dinner for baby included homemade sweet potatoes, his first non-cereal food, for the first time. He wasn't so sure about the first bite (what an adorable look of confusion when he realized this stuff wasn't rice cereal or oatmeal), but he decided he likes sweet potatoes and ate all 2 TBSP. mixed with milk.

Then a little naked baby for desert. What a hoot.

And then we hit the road to East Hanover, to spend the evening with the Fasnacht crew. It never ceases to entertain me how all our family members continue to proclaim how advanced and intelligent their grandson, great-grandson, cousin and nephew Cayden is. What a proud, doting, loving family -- although probably a little biased and presumptuous. In any case, Cayden waved bye-bye to everyone at bedtime, whether he did it knowingly or coincidentally.

And Mama and Daddy got to spend some relaxing one-one-one time the day after Christmas, getting massages and enjoying a romantic dinner.

A great holiday, all around.

Catching Up: Almost 5 Months Old

FYI, we worked the plugged duct out in a little over a day -- whew.

As for Cayden, he's now sitting with little support (seems to have come out of the blue -- I swear the last time I propped him up on his butt he tipped right over), and he's trying his darndest to figure out how to make his pieces work together to move around. We think he'll be crawling pretty soon.

We're back to pooping every three days or so, and last night Shorty set another new sleep record -- 10 hours straight, without Brian or I having to get up a single time to help him back to sleep.

And I discovered a FANTASTIC trick yesterday for pumping at work -- the hair tie trick! Amazing how four rubber bands can completely change the course of a day for me. I can now pump hands-free! Really great, because my left hand has started aching from horn-holding, and now my right hand doesn't have to peck away at the keyboard alone anymore. Pumping sessions suddenly got so much more productive. I'm sure I'd look ridiculous to anyone who happened upon me pumping hands-free, but I doubt anyone will have opportunity to take in such a sight.

Off to go get ready for Christmas Eve service -- sooo excited for Cayden's first Christmas, even though I know he'll be more interested in eating the wrapping paper than anything else.

Merry Christmas!

I love me some lolcats

I hate baby clothes

Less than two months ago I spent $70 on baby clothes I thought would last through much of the winter.

I was wrong.

I now need to go back out and buy 12-18 month clothes, because Cayden's torso is stretching his onesies and sleepers to the max.

The pants are another story. His 9-12 mo. pants are plenty long enough, but they're tight around the middle. So now I have to try find pants with really stretchy waistbands, but with legs that aren't too, too long. Any suggestions?

I can't remember the last time I spent $70 on clothes for myself, let alone twice in a single season.

Cayden is four months, three-and-a-half weeks old.

Plugged Duct

Uggh, I'm pretty sure I have one. Right side, right at the line where the nursing bra sits, under my boob.

Cayden is a little over four and a half months old.

So today will be spent massaging the sore spot, nursing frequently, applying warm compresses and resting. All in an effort to work the plug free before infection and mastitis have a chance to come out and play.

Meanwhile, Brian will keep working on the wall, so we can (hopefully) at least put our living room back in order before the work week starts.

Nicknames

Peanut (Mr. Peanut, Peanut-Man)
Shorty
Chicken Wing
Snugglerumpus
Baby-Cade
Footsy-Bruitser
Bamster
Weenster
Little Bubba
Boopie

Fake Coughing? Really?

Yes, Cayden started fake coughing in the last few days, seeking attention. We know it's fake because the half-assed coughs are different than his real coughs, and he smiles while he's doing it. Sometimes it's cute, but mostly it's annoying, because he does it incessantly.

According to moms on BabyCenter.com, fake coughing is pretty common around 4 to 5 months of age.

I hope the fake coughing stage doesn't last too long; I'd much rather deal with piercing screams or shrieks than this ridiculous "eh-uh, eh-uh" stuff.

A personal victory

Well, I made it through a full, five-day work week, and what a week it was.

Supermom I don't proclaim to be, but I am proud to have conquered a week of out-of-the-ordinary challenges and an inbox that sometimes seemed bottomless pretty much unscathed. I didn't sacrifice a single pumping session (although my schedule did require flexibility a couple of days to accommodate pressing business), and I even made time to spend an hour-long lunch today down the street from the office, doing a small part to help Josiah and Christine prepare to welcome home their five-week-early bundle of joy, Rachel Elise.

I did not bring work home a single night, nor did I stay at the office past 5:30 at all. So baby Cayden got his lovey time with Mama, even if it was just an hour and a half each morning and two hours each night.

And despite the more-than-plentiful workload, I managed to clear my desk of all but three projects I'll tackle Monday.

This week was a confidence-builder. I'm feeling a bit of "if I could do this, I could do anything."

But I'd be lying through my teeth if I said I was ready to give up my four-day weekends with baby on a regular basis, yet.

Meeting Santa

Cayden met Santa for the first time this past Tuesday night at Bass Pro Shop. He was way more interested in the train set next to Mr. Claus than the guy in the red suit himself, but the photographers distracted him long enough to get one decent shot. Look at the jowels on droopy dog. The baby, not Santa.

Thanks to the Bilz family for the "Santa's Little Helper" jumper; the photographer loved the reindeer feet.

A new record

While Moday night's three wakings (1:30, 3:30 and 5:30 a.m.) convinced us we were back in the land of sleep regression, last night angel baby slept from 8:15 p.m. to 5:55 a.m. -- 9.5 hours!!

Notice how I only use the angel baby moniker when he sleeps well for us?

Incidentally, If I hadn't awoken at 3:30, then 4:30, then 5:30 in anticipation of baby cries last night, it would have been my first 7.5 hour stretch of sleep since somewhere around the second trimester, when I started having to get out of bed each night to pee.

Poopoo in the Potty

No, Cayden hasn't started potty training. But oh how the poop landscape changed with the introduction of rice cereal!

This morning we got the first post-rice cereal poop, and unlike his very liquid poops to date, this one was much thicker, like peanut butter. And it stuck to his buns, requiring more than just a gentle wipe to clean him off.

I decided I didn't want to let the peanut-butter-poop dry out in the diaper pail until I do diaper laundry later this week, so this morning I began our poop-scraping journey, which I read will be quite interesting over the next couple of years.

Used way too much toilet paper to get the poo in the toilet, so now I'm on the hunt for a poop-scraping aparatus. Plastic knives, spoons and putty knives have been recommended to me, so far.

Since he's only pooping about once every 8 days now, I guess I have a week to pick my poop scraper.

Babyproofing

When we bought this house two years ago, we did a lot of cosmetic work in the first two weeks we moved in, including ripping out a ton of carpet and laying hardwood floors upstairs. After we put the floors in, we just never got around to re-installing the railing that had been along the living room edge. So for the last two years, the back of this couch has been the edge of the living room, and we're very lucky that no one has pushed the couch back so that it fell off the floor and down into the staircase and foyer.

But now that we have mere months before Chicken Wing is moving around, we realized the need to put something up behind the couch, so we can eventually put a baby gate at the top of the stairs.

So babyproofing started today, in the form of wall construction. Forget outlet covers and toilet locks; our entree into babyproofing required lots of power tools and off-site babysitters. Brian and my brother framed and drywalled the wall, and they hope to finish it within a week or so.

I'm a little miffed that we bought all the spindles and other crap to make a banister MONTHS ago, then Brian decided a wall would be better. But then again, this wall -- which will include three recessed and spotlit boxes -- gives me the perfect place to feature a huge 11x14 print of "a mother's view," my favorite photo of my baby.

Nursery

I realized last week I never posted pictures of the nursery, once it was completely done. So here it is.

Sleeping through the night

That's right, folks -- we have a baby who has been sleeping through the night for a week!! Not the "sleeping through the night" adults are used to, but ever since last Friday, his first stretch of sleep has gotten longer and longer after bedtime.

Last Friday he slept almost five hours before waking up -- a heck of a lot different than the up-every-hour crap he was doing not to long ago -- and last night he slept from 8:15 to 4:40 a.m. before waking for a snack!

And the icing on the cake? Now it only takes me 15 minutes to put him to bed, before he's completely out for HOURS.

Sooooo, is it coincidence that we started rice cereal last Friday night, and he's been sleeping like a champ ever since that same night? DOUBTFUL.

I know the docs don't necessarily agree that rice cereal makes babies sleep better, and I've heard from a few moms whose kids definitely did NOT sleep better after rice cereal.

But my baby? Yeah, rice cereal helps him sleep much more deeply and peacefully. Still glad we waited until we got the go-ahead from the pediatrician, but boy am I loving those magic little sparkly flakes now.

And I'm also really glad we don't have to revisit the CIO discussion, at least for a while. Brian is just thrilled that Cayden goes to sleep so fast and stays asleep so long, so we're OK with the fact that he nurses pretty much to sleep at bedtime and at his (now only!!) nighttime feeding.

And I'm sure now that I've committed this to writing he'll return to his horrible sleep patterns forthwith.

Haven't posted any photos in a while, so here's my handsome boy last Sunday, rolling around on the floor.


And here's what I came back out of the kitchen to find, after grabbing a glass of juice. Chicken Wing watching NFL countdown.


And one more. Cayden making out with his gifaffe, Sophie. Mmmmm, sloppy giraffe action.

Fenugreek: This stuff really works!!

Whether it's the herb itself or the psychological effect it has in reducing stress for me, production is definitely up! I got 19.5 ounces at work today.

Rice Cereal!!

A few things I forgot to mention that are worth mentioning

1.) About the two nights of progressive waiting we tried: how cruel that Cayden's only makes use of consonants during his most passionate cries, making every wail sound like "Ma Ma Ma Maaaa."

2.) Dr. Baker had to pull a cat fur off Cayden's twink at yesterday's appointment. It made me laugh, and the doc wasn't at all concerned.

3.) We're on Day Number Eight without a poop. This is the longest no-poop window since just before Canada and Cayden's 2-month birthday.

4.) He took his shot yesterday like a champ. Reaction was delayed by a second or two, but then he just let out one cry and that was it.

Four-Month Well Visit

Well, Cayden is thinning out and becoming more proportional, although he's still at the top of the growth charts. His stats are as follows:

Head Circumference: 18 inches (97th percentile)
Length: 26.5 inches (95th percentile)
Weight: 19 pounds, 3 ounces (97th percentile)

Dr. Baker gave us the green light to start solid foods, so I brought the high chair up from the garage this morning, and as soon as Chicken Wing wakes up, I'll start putting it together while he plays.

We may try some rice cereal tonight -- about a tablespoon mixed with breastmilk and fed to him using a baby spoon (rather than bottle, because of choking hazard), all as the doc recommended.

Doc Baker says he approaches sleep and BF kind of in the middle of the two extremes. While he thinks Cayden is a little young at four months for hard-core Ferberizing, he does think we can encourage him to learn self-soothing and putting himself to sleep by repeatedly presenting him opportunities to do so. He says to keep putting him in the crib, but if he screams and cries, we can certainly pick him up and soothe him, but then put him back down in the crib. His theory? After 8, 10, 12... tries, Cayden will start to learn it's just easier to fall asleep than fight it and go through the up-down, up-down routine.

The doc is also confident Cayden is eating more at night following the days I'm away from him, because he simply couldn't grow like this if his intake all day long was comparable to the 13 ounces he has during the 10 hours away from me. So he's not concerned about night feedings or feeding on demand at this point. He said that if multiple night feedings are still interrupting sleep around 9 months, then we'll explore whether or not he's looking for food or something else.

In short, Dr. Baker says we shouldn't worry about developing bad habits at this point. He says we're still in "survival mode" -- very common with a four month-old breastfed baby -- and that he wouldn't worry about bad habits until somewhere between 9 and 12 months.

Kind of reassuring, but also kinda not, since he basically said to keep doing what we've been doing (even trying the bedtime CIO we did for the past two nights with questionable results) and keep looking for opportunities to help him learn to self-soothe and go to sleep on his own.

About the past two nights' bedtime CIO routines: they were tough on us (we were both ready to quit at varying points each night), but both nights he did fall asleep on his own within an hour, and he slept until 2 or 2:30 each time. 40 minutes of crying Wed. night and 50 minutes of crying last night. Heartbreaking. But the progressive waiting approach did allow him reassurance every so often that we were still around, and he had eaten shortly before, so we knew he wasn't hungry. Just unhappy. It's tough stuff bein' a baby.

And bedtime CIO, whether it becomes regular or occasional, it about all we can take at this point. Doc Baker did say he doesn't recommend pushing it to nighttime wakings at this point, which is A-OK by us. His little I-cried-for-almost-an-hour-last-night puffy eyes this morning -- although he was all smiles and giggles when he woke -- were enough to convince me that taking small steps forward is plenty progress for now.

Oh, and Dad's biggest concern was put to rest. Before bathtime and after naked tummy time, Shorty's "shortie" usually shrinks back so that you can barely see it. But "disappearing penis" is actually a medically recognized and completely normal condition in infants. It looks funny, but it's nothing for Dad to worry about.

Raspberries

Dad calls them competitions, Mama calls them conversations.

I drink alone

Yeah, eah, with nobody else.

Baby's First Haircut

Apparently Cayden's loooong hair on the back of his head bugged Dad more than it did Mama. Because when I came home last night, Cayden's hair was shorter!

Turns out Daddy gave him his first haircut while he babysat Cayden all day yesterday. But Dad threw the hair out rather than keep it, not realizing the first cut is a big deal.

I gotta admit, the kid's head looks a little more normal now.

Ferber vs. Ask Moxie vs. KellyMom

Who knew the “experts” could disagree so diabolically on interpreting and addressing infant sleep patterns. Last week I thought I was sold on Ferber, and now – after a little more reading – I’m more confused and torn than ever before.

What one expert calls a sleep problem, another calls a completely normal sleep pattern for a breastfed baby. What one expert calls poor sleep associations, another calls reverse cycling. What one calls cause for sleep training, another calls a natural and unavoidable four-month wakeful period or sleep regression.

I’m completely torn between the breastfeeding experts’ advice to just keep on plugging through -- confident I’m responding to Cayden’s needs appropriately, and eventually he’ll make these sleep breakthroughs on his own -- and CIO, which could very well solve our sleep issues in a matter of days, but could sacrifice breastfeeding success or his comfort.

I’m really proud of successfully overcoming the physical and psychological challenges of breastfeeding, and I am absolutely terrified of drying up before he’s 1. I want my body to keep doing what it was meant to do for him. Because as tough as it was (and is) at times, it has worked very well for him and has been unbelievably rewarding for me.

So I’m beyond worried that if Cayden is reverse cycling (eating less during the day, then feeding more frequently at night to get close to mom) -- which he seems to be – and I don’t feed him at night, my milk will start to dry up. After all, nature’s rule proscribes that decreased stimulation results in decreased production. Besides that, I hate the idea of letting him fall asleep hungry and scared, if he really is just waiting to snuggle up with me.

I’m (selfishly) content to bring him to bed with me for the foreseeable future, but I completely understand and respect that Brian opposes co-sleeping as fostering bad habits. I just can't help but think, that at least for a little while longer, it's good for Cayden to find comfort and reassurance with me and nursing, even if it’s multiple times at night. Call me crazy, but suddenly some of the attachment parenting ideas I found so hippie-dippie, granola-lovey a few short months ago are now really appealing.

But I don’t know how to fish or cut bait on this one; both options (parent led sleep training vs. baby-led developmental progression) have some serious potential consequences. What if my supply tanks? What if we set up sleep habits that are impossible to break in a few months?

And how the hell am I supposed to know enough to make these decisions that will shape my infant’s life over the next year, if the so-called “experts” can’t get their shit together to agree on a plan of action???

The bottom line is that I’m terrified of doing the wrong thing, yet I have no idea what the right thing is. And I can’t bear the thought of Cayden being scared or hungry at night. Unhappy about learning to sleep is one thing, but scared and hungry are another.

Pumping Panic

OK, not a full-blown panic, but a mini-panic. When I first started back at work, I could easily pump 20+ ounces while away from my baby.

Over the past three weeks I've really noticed a drop-off, and today I only got 15.5 ounces out of my four pump sessions.

Now although we haven't dipped into the freezer stash at all yet, and what I'm pumping seems to be enough each day for Cayden, I'm concerned nonetheless. I don't want my supply to tank because I'm away from him, and I'm terrified of starting to defrost little milk baggies. I'd much rather the babysitters send home four to six ounces each day, like they were in the beginning.

Probably irrational concerns, but the decreasing pump production has weighed on my mind a lot lately.

So I've started chugging water at work, I'm returning to my once-daily oatmeal habit, I changed the little white thingies on the bottom of my pump flanges (maybe that's why six of them came with the pump??) and I ordered a near three-month supply of fenugreek, all in an effort to boost my supply.

If I start smelling like pancakes in the next few days, don't worry -- that means I'm getting the right amount of fenugreek. When it's saturating your system to effectively boost milk production, a person's pee and sweat will smell like maple syrup. Yummm.

And I'm looking forward to group on Thursday to ask Mary and the gals if this could be a natural reaction to his demand for milk. I seem to match what he takes in each day, so maybe his appetite has decreased over the past couple of weeks? That seems strange to me, though -- why would he eat less as he got older? Because he's not growing as fast as he was in the first three months? Hopefully I'll find answers on Thursday, or maybe on Friday at our four-month well visit with Dr. Baker.

On a completely unrelated topic, here's a picture of Cayden's now nearly-bald-except-for-two-ridiculously-long-patches-of-hair head. Compare that to the beautiful full-head swirl from just shy of 12 weeks. Oh I miss his beautiful dark hair, but I kinda wish what is left would just fall out already, so we can start over fresh, and all one decent-looking length. But I'm too chicken-shit to cut or shave his hair, for fear I'll be the horrible mom who did a hack-job on her innocent baby.

Sleep: a Love/Hate Relationship

So I really, really hate that we've turned Cayden into a bad sleeper (took 35 minutes to get him asleep at bedtime last night, then he woke at 12:30, 4 and 5:45), but I can't help but love the early morning snuggles I get to enjoy when I bring him to bed with me at his last morning wake-up. He cuddles right under my chin and sleeps so contently for about an hour. His head, although now goofily covered with patches of long hair, is the softest, best-smelling thing ever.

Sigh. This weekend we may bite the bullet and try progressive waiting, although I'm waiting to talk to Dr. Baker on Friday, first.

I know it will be better for all of us in the long run; Chicken Wing doesn't enjoy getting so upset at night either, and I'm sure he'll get better rest when he knows how to put himself back to sleep.

Four Months Old

Here's my not-so-little boy today, on his four month birthday. Working on his second tooth already (you can see it just under the surface, so I think it will pop through in a day or so), and now into his 9 to 12 month clothes.

OMG, Thanksgiving CUTENESS!!!

Maybe this Ferber guy knows what he's talking about

So we're only a coupole chapters into Solve Your Child's Sleep Problems, but we're convinced we have turned Cayden into the poor sleeper he is.

Why? Because we do exactly what the doc recommends against, but the only things that would get him to sleep in the early months: nursing, rocking, patting and bouncing him to sleep in our arms, then sneaking him into his crib once he's out. The good doc says that when the baby wakes up between natural sleep cycles and finds he's in a different place and none of the conditions that put him to sleep are present any more, he gets upset and cries for us to recreate those conditions. Each. Time. He. Wakes. But he also becomes afraid of these night wakenings where things are no longer as they should be in his mind, so he starts resisting bedtime.

Yeah, that's our baby. A baby with bad sleep associations. Apparently he needs to learn how to fall asleep on his own. It will make sleep more comforting, peaceful and restful for him, and it will mean less getting out of bed at night for us.

We're not quite ready to dive into the "progressive waiting approach" (aka "cry it out"), but we did try a couple of new things last night, encouraged by the fact that Cayden has occasionallly fallen asleep on his own for naps. (Ferber says that means he already has a jump start on learning to fall asleep on his own at bedtime.

1. We fed him a while before bedtime (7:30), so he doesn't keep associating eating with sleeping.
2. We did bathtime earlier, too, since it's more exciting than relaxing for our kid.
3. We kept him up a bit later than usual (8:30), so we knew he was good and tired. Although he didn't fuss about it.
4. Then, when he started rubbing his eyes and yawning, we took him to his room and had some quiet playtime in his crib, sans swaddle. That's so he gets used to it as a comforting place.
5. Gave him his blankie and decided to see what happened.

And wouldn't you know it, after about 10 minutes the kid started putting himself to sleep! Dad patted his butt a little bit, but we left the room while he was still drowsy (another Ferber rec.) just before 9, and he didn't cry at all for half an hour. The he bruitsed a little bit, so dad went back in and patted his butt at 9:30 for a few more minutes.

Now Ferber recommends AGAINST going back in and comforting when a baby is only fussing a bit, and the butt-patting is another no-no. But we're approaching this thing in baby steps. Heck, we didn't even know we were going to start Ferberizing last night until we realized he wasn't screaming when we put him in his crib for quiet play time.

And he was out. Until 12:50 a.m. Now he hadn't eaten for more than five hours at that point, so I think it was a pretty good stretch, considering he wasn't swaddled.

So I fed him (15 minutes) and put him in his sleep sack (it was too late for the sleep sack when we realized he was putting himself to sleep earlier in the night, and we didn't want to disturb his progression to dreamland). So down he went in the crib for the second time, drowsy but still awake. And he fell back asleep -- no swaddle, no bouncing, no rocking (but OK, a few more butt pats) -- in minutes. I was back in bed at 1:13, less than 25 minutes after I got up.

AND THEN HE DIDN'T WAKE UP UNTIL 5:50 A.M.!!!

At which point I brought him in bed with me to nurse, so that I could sleep in with him a few minutes rather than get up on time and feed him just before I left for the day. Hey, excessive feeding and feeding on demand are addressed by Ferber in chapters I haven't read, yet.

We realize this was only one night, but his apparent ability to put himself to sleep and his responsiveness to a little sleep training have given Brian and I great hope. Hope that the thrice-nightly wakings to settle the baby will come to an end sooner, rather than later; and hope that maybe we won't have to resort to cry it out if these little adaptations work.

Regardless, my baby put himself to sleep in the crib for the first time last night, and it was the first time in a week or so that I wasn't out of bed three times at night.

Cayden is three months and four weeks old.

A year ago today

I remember like yesterday the Monday before Thanksgiving last year.

But it seems like forever ago. How did one year, a whole pregnancy and raising an infant for almost four months go by so quickly?

Kind of bittersweet to remember the excitement of last Thanksgiving.

I just whimpered to Brian Saturday night (after discovering the tooth and watching baby hold his own bottle while drinking) that I feel like Cayden is growing up too fast and he'll turn 18 any day now.

Darned if those baby books weren't right.

The past few days of sleep struggles suddenly make sense. As I typed yesterday morning, Cayden was working on a developmental leap.

Last night -- after an hour of nearly inconsolable crying -- we discovered his first tooth, peeking out just right of center on his bottom gum.

My baby cut his first tooth at three months, three weeks and three days old.

Jess promises what while teething is never fun, the first tooth is the worst.

Sleep Status

Last week's development and what we assumed was progress seems to be a one-time deal, at least for now.

Each night this past week Cayden woke three times to eat. A couple of times I tried to convince him he didn't need to eat, but his screaming protests assured me otherwise. And that's fine; I'm used to his thrice-nightly feedings, and I've figured out how to get the sleep I need.

However, putting him down for bed has suddenly taken a turn for the worse in the last week. Whereas he used to get very drowsy while nursing, then go down on the first try and stay asleep for four hours at bedtime, he now does none of that. As soon as I put him on my shoulder to burp him after his bedtime snack, he becomes alert and inquisitive again. And now it takes two or three tries to get him to go to sleep: bouncing to drowsy, then in the crib ... fussing ... back out and bouncing to drowsy, then in the crib ... fussing back out and standing and swaying to drowsy, then in the crib ... You get the picture.

And the best part (note the dripping sarcasm), is that now he consistently wakes up every hour between bedtime and his first feeding! So we now do this putting-baby-to-sleep dance three or four times before midnight. Definitely a team effort between Brian and I.

We tried abandoning the swaddle again earlier this week, but we're back to using it. Even if he has almost completely outgrown it's length.

And we tried bumping bedtime up to 7:30, hoping the whole earlier-to-bed, later-to-rise baby sleep pattern would take. But the earlier bedtime did nothing but piss him off and stress us out for an hour, until he fell asleep between 8:30 and 9, like he usually does.

Uggh. All the books say to maintain hope: what seems to be a developmental setback often precedes a real leap forward.

Here's hoping for that leap. And hey -- if it doesn't come, we've only got about another month until we're comfortable with Cayden's ability to handle Ferberizing, which has turned Kyra and Avery into great sleepers, their moms tell me.

Cayden is three months, three weeks and three days old.

A complete 360

Last night (3 months, 3 weeks old), Grammy said Cayden rolled from back to belly, twice. Grandude said he couldn't remember if it was back to belly or belly to back, but Grammy was sure it was back to belly, because he started fussing once he realized his one arm was lodged underneath him.

And then he did the roll for Dad tonight -- twice -- and finally Mama caught the third (or fifth) back-to-belly roll.

So now he can do a complete 360, since he started rolling belly-to-back back in month two. Granted, he doesn't roll all that often, but I wonder when he'll realize that he can go the whole way 'round and start rolling across the living room floor.

And once he gets good at the rolla and figures out how to pull that arm out from underneath him, I think he may start sleeping better, too. Because he really does nap well on his tummy, or so I'm told. Hey, once he puts himself on his tummy, then I'll be ok with him sleeping that way at night.

Melt my heart

This is exactly what I was hoping for from Scott today. He perfectly captured the intimacy Cayden and I share every day when he nurses. I wanted so badly to preserve that face I look down on every day, because all too soon these perfect moments will be gone for good. And I doubt you can see it in this small image, but my face is actually reflected in Cayden's eye in this photo. This one will definitely be a large print in our house.


Edit: Neither of us could decide if we liked the color or b/w version of this best. I chose color for here, and it looks like Scott chose b/w for his site. Check the alternative out. Warning: most of his work is not safe for viewing in most workplaces.

And one more from today's session. We're saving the rest for holiday cards. Hey, it was a visit to Scott's studio; you know somebody is getting naked.

Those parents

You know, the ones who talk about their baby as if he's the only baby to reach certain milestones so early. Whose sarcastic remarks reveal their not-so-thinly veiled delight in their baby's impressive growth and size.

Those parents. The ones who take a bazillion pictures and want to show them all to the world, even though very few people in the world are actually interested in seeing them. Or at least that many of them.

Those parents. The ones who dress their kids up in ridiculous outfits that will surely be cause for great teenage embarrassment and spite someday.

Those parents.

Yeah, we've become those parents that used to annoy me so much. But hey, at least we're fully aware of our dillusions.

Gettin' Stuff Done

Before I returned to work I had become a pro at multi-tasking while pumping. I could pump, nurse the baby, eat a snack and read a magazine all at one time.

Now I've learned to multi-task at work, and I can talk on the phone, e-mail and edit copy, all while pumping. One-handed peck-typing is frustrating, but it's more productive than staring at baby pictures for 15 minutes!

And here are a couple of the great inventions that help us to get things done around the house.

The Bumbo chair, which helps Cayden build muscles while we cook dinner.


And my Baby Balboa sling, which enables me to do dishes, laundry, vacuuming, etc. And it's the recommended mode of transport for Chicken Wing during flu season, so he's not exposed to dirty shopping carts and over-eager baby lovers who feel it's appropriate to touch a baby in a car seat.


Funny, how so many baby gadgets start with the letter "B".

College Football

Mama hates that Cayden is so enthralled with the TV and tries to turn him away from it whenever possible. Dad thinks it's funny that he's already a fan of college football.

An interesting development Re: sleeping and nursing

So last night I had a couple of glasses of wine during Grey's. No big deal, because Cayden went down shortly after 8, so I figured I had until 12:30 for the juice to be out of my system before I fed him.

Then he woke up at 11:30. Damn. So rather than give him a bottle, I decided to try something new: I bounced him for a while to drowsy, then went into the living room with him. Put him in his rocker with the calming vibrations turned on, and I rocked him, while laying on the couch. The goal was to get him to 12:30 or 1 a.m., when I would nurse him.

Worked like a charm. In no time, he was out, and so was I. Then he started fussing a little while later, so I took him back in the nursery to feed him and put him back in his crib. Thought it was a little funny that my right boob was very swollen and a little painful, but I thought -- hey, maybe milk production is just up tonight. When I walked in the door to Cayden's room, the glowing blue light from the clock radio informed me it was 4:15 IN THE MORNING!!!

Lesson learned? That little crapper does NOT need to eat every three hours as he's had me convinced for weeks. Rather, he can apparently go eight hours between feedings at night, and he simply needs to be put back to sleep! What a little fibber. Or maybe a silly Mama, for not trying something different, sooner.

Same thing happened when he woke at 5:55 a.m. I went in the nursery, and instead of putting him to the boob like I have done every morning for weeks, I bounced him back to drowsy, then put him in his swing. Where he slept until 8 a.m., when I had to wake him because I thought my left boob was going to explode.

So last night, at about three and a half months old, Cayden woke three times as usual, but he ate only once. Maybe if he starts learning that he doesn't get food every time he wakes up, he'll just stay sleeping through that 11:30 p.m. and 5 to 6 a.m. waking. Hopefully it's not an aversion to the crib that wakes him up. But we'll address that issue another time, after he learns Mama is not an all-night buffet.

This makes me so happy

Within the last couple of weeks -- somewhere around 3 months old -- Cayden has really started looking around with amazement and curiosity. Imagine my delight when I picked him up, put him on his feet on his changing table and realized how excited and enthralled he is with the bulletin board I made him months before he arrived. He loves it! My hard work and craftiness resulted in more than just wall art; that bulletin board is a visual extravaganza for my little boy's growing brain!

He's also a big fan of the tree on his nursey wall and animal burp cloth Ruth got him in Canada. I layed the cloth over the top of the glider, so Cayden stares and smiles at it when I burp him over my shoulder in the chair.

two fingers

Not of tequila or scotch, like Dad likes, but rather soothing fingers.

This past week Cayden started trading out his thumb every now and then for two fingers to suck and self-soothe. Dad was a thumb-sucker and Mama sucked her pointer and middle fingers, but Chicken Wing is going for his middle and ring fingers -- the same fingers Uncle Jeff used to suck!

Thanks, Grammas!

This weekend I finally downloaded all the pictures of Cayden from both Grandma's cameras, and we got some great new shots!!

These were the ones I was really hoping for, since we obviously weren't taking pictures at the baptism. Aunt Lauren got some good ones, but these take the cake!

Thanks to Grandma Connie we now have a picture to put in the beautiful baptism frame Paul and Deb got for Cayden.


And thanks to Grandma Barb, we have a good family photo. Or as good as you can get when your baby is sleeping and screwing his mush up.

symptoms of teething

Excessive drool: Check.
Putting things in mouth and chewing: Check.

Now, all three-month olds do both of these and they're not reliable signs of teething, so I have been reluctant to agree when all the grandparents tell me Cayden is teething.

But yesterday, after Chicken Wing woke up from a 30-minute nap screaming and continued to cry while he nursed, I opened his mouth to find a little white spot on his lower gum. Not a tooth, but as soon as I found it Brian went online to look up symptoms of teething. Now these, I had not known about:

Ear pulling: Check. He's been pulling on his right ear for a few days. I was actually worried he had an ear infection.

More frequent stools: Check. After weeks of pooping every few days, yesterday he went three times in 24 hours.

And the little white dot on the gums: Check. Incidentally, it's on the same side as the ear he's been pulling.

Only time will tell, but we've got the baby Tylenol on the ready, and the teething toys are now in the freezer. He's a little over three months and one week old.

Sigh. I guess my baby isn't really into staying a baby. Good for him, I guess, but a little sad for me.

Here's my strong boy standing on his changing table this morning.

And yesterday.



And pulling his ear.


And this is what I found when I came up from putting laundry in yesterday afternoon. Crack me up. Pun intended. No idea how or why he got the back of his dipey pulled down so far.

Balding & Blowout updates

First, while my hair loss has slowed to normal pre-pregnancy shedding rates, Cayden is now really losing his beautiful black hair. There's a stripe of hair on his crib sheet(looks like Hercules dragged his butt puff across there, but I know he didn't), and now whenever I kiss the kid with lip gloss on, I get a mouthful of hair stuck to my lips.

It's starting to look not so cute. :( I just hope his hair figures out what it's doing in the next couple of weeks, before our family portraits with Scott Church on the 19th. We may have a bald baby by Christmas.

And on the poop front: this morning's blowout was completely army green, not French's yellow. Not sure how or why, but his poop has changed color.

I'll take it

Chicken Wing only slept in three-hour windows last night, but he did three of them instead of his usual three-hour, three-hour, one-hour, one-hour crap.

So he ended up staying in his crib until my wake-up time, shortly before 6:30 a.m.

It was nice not having to get up at 3:30 a.m., then again at 5 a.m. to bring him into bed with me. When he woke up at 5 a.m. this morning, he quickly soothed himself and put himself back to sleep. Or at least I assume so, because he quit whining pretty quickly.

Hey, I'll take it. He's three months and a week old.

Stand Tall

Within the past two weeks Cayden started standing. With support for balance, of course, but he holds his own weight. While a week ago he'd buckle at the knees after a few minutes, now he holds himself upright for long periods of time.

He's just shy of 14 weeks.

And here's a photo of my big baby. Compare this one to his one-month bath shot.

OK, there is one thing cuter than babies in costume...

...a baby out of costume!

3 Month, 1 Day Update

First of all, Cayden's vaccination this afternoon (the first of two prevnar shots to prevent Pneumococcal disease) went fine. A little cry after the needle, but he nursed and fell asleep right afterward. No reaction so far, other than a particularly sleepy baby this afternoon, but that may be because of the baby Tylenol. And the best part? Our alternate vaccination schedule isn't even going to cost us any extra money, because my insurance doesn't charge a co-pay for nurse-only visits!

Hopefully my swine flu vaccination will go as well tomorrow.

Today I explored Once Upon A Child for the first time, and I think we'll become regular customers. I got Chicken Wing's entire 9-month wardrobe for $68! And by 9-month wardrobe, I mean that's the size he's moving into now, so I had to stock up on long-sleeved onesies, pants and sleepers before he outgrows all his 6-month clothes.

Last night, at three months old, Cayden slept for a 5-hour stretch. It was very nice.

I definitely built my return to work up to be much worse than it actually was. I enjoyed the mental stimulation, and my baby did just fine with all his Grammas. I think I'm going to have to pump four times a day rather than three, however, to keep up with his intake. Mary said today it will take about three weeks for the both of us to really get into the groove of a routine, so we're supposed to rest and nurse as much as possible in the next couple of weeks to keep my supply plentiful and get him settled into a regular eating and sleeping routine during our days apart.

And lastly, here's Cayden taking his 11-o'clock bottle last night. He can't hold it by himself for long, but he knows how!

Is there anything cuter than babies in costume?

My little giraffe.

All the babies. Clockwise from Cayden: giraffe, pumpkin, holiday t-shirt, wizard, cow (mom dressed as a farmer), dinosaur, skeleton, lobster, pumpkin, turtle.

And as many of the toddlers as would sit still for a picture. Bird, lion, dragon, gorilla, Hershey kiss.

And my pic for best costume, although the 11-month old twins dressed as Raggedy Ann and Andy gave this pair a run for their money. That's a dog costume from Target (the lobster), and mom Kelly's apron says "I LOVE MY LOBSTER." She carried her around in the pot!!!

I also met a mom this morning that breastfed and cloth diapered twin girls, Liberty and Glory, born two years ago on the fourth of July. She had to pump more than a gallon a day (12 times a day, no less) to feed her babies, and she had twice as many diapers to keep up with. What an AMAZING mom. I'm proud of myself for making it through the tough times so far, but I don't think I have anywhere near the strength, patience and determination this woman has!

Three Months Old!!

Three months ago from this moment, I was in the hospital, enjoying my epidural and a little more than an hour away from pushing!!

A picture of my three-month-old baby this morning, quietly entertaining himself while Mama showered and got ready for work.

And this one from this past weekend in Jim Thorpe, where Auntie Nicole thought a mohawk was in order.

And just this week we realized our three-month-old will soon outgrow his infant car seat, which typically lasts a baby through the first year or more. He's only got four pounds to go before we have to upgrade. That's great. Just as I go part-time, we're looking at spending multiple hundreds of dollars on car seats for all the babysitters, instead of just additional $30 bases for the infant seat. If only we knew how much baby crap he'd outgrow before he really got our money's worth. Sigh. But I guess we wouldn't have it any other way.